getting angry

you know like, when you get angry over something stupid? like its just the wrong fucking time. a bad joke or something. i sit here and could get easily riled up about a ton of shit that pisses me off. and its uncontrollable. like an urge. a tic. like i just gotta get mad. i bottle up everything. thats my problem. i dont care enough about my life to make a difference. i figure things will get better when they are suppose to get better.
im sick of being around pills. pills. pillheads. everyone doing pills. why cant people grow up. they take anti anxiety/ pain meds to get fucked up. i was on lexapro for 2 years. i can honestly say, no one "wants" to be on pills. normal people, that is. people have to take these things to live their life. to get by. to survive. then you turn it around and abuse it. i guess thats drug abuse. but i see it differently than smoking weed or drinking or cocaine. none of those really do anyone any good, so if you use, you lose. hahahah isnt that what they say? and i guess im one to say.

im going to the ottobar tonight to see my bros band play, im so tired. hungry. exhausted. mad. sad. i have no energy to do anything at all.


fuck the world.

how do i tell you your smile still makes me melt as well as your touch.

growing up

you know like when things just feel different? you just feel different? all the sudden things look different and feel different? what is it? the weather, the surroundings? words spoken or not. am i tired and i angry at something. do i have something on my mind completely not having to do with this? what is wrong. why do i feel indifferent. im sick of doing the same shit day after day. getting out is starting to feel okay. being around people, im trying to get used to it. its like a learning experience. from being hidden, from sneaking away, from being trapped in my bedroom ridden with anxiety. i guess i forgot how it feels to talk and listen, give advice and take it, close your eyes and open them again and just having it not be the same. its everything that factors in this. if only i could relax, turn off, shut down, go on standby of some sort, maybe i could get out of this. i feel fine till the anxiety hits then my body slowly breaks down for a 20 minute period. im tired, angry, sad, discouraged, depressed all at once. and it just HITS. then i think outside of it. like, "soooo you worked today you're gonna be tired" then its like okay im not nervous at all, just tired but its playing off into something else. im so awkward.

ive recently been having people tell me they like me. like.... they like "me" for me and being around me, and im sweet and nice and funny and have a nice smile. where i work i deal with alot of people and since it deals with alot of money and medical care for pets, yea it gets stressful and sometimes people dont understand what they are paying for or why. i see the worst of people when they lose it. and its nice to know sometimes the people call for me, and hope im working the day they bring their pets in, or when people give me compliments because their old and "think" im cute. ive been loving and loving my job more and more just because everyone makes it bareable. they make it worth hanging out overtime or coming in super early and waking up at 5am. sometimes, i really like people and the human race for what it is.

im trying so hard to get to where i want to be. last night i went to my apartment to hang out with my roomate bryan while he wasted time before his girlfriend got home from college for the weekend. we hung out, listened to music, i drank a can of arizona green tea, we laughed and talked and made up crazy (or is it?) ideas for the future. the future is an open door? or window? or something. and its pretty endless and i can make it into anything i want. the only thing is, whats the next step? how do i make it mine. how do i learn to live by me. how do i survive this? there are days i break down and cry and carry on about how i cant go on. how everything is pointless and theres just no reason for anything anymore. i call it my hopeless meltdown. it happens every now and again, the most stupidest song that i listen to everyday would make me cry when it used to make me smile. i hear everything wrong. i cant think because im so far in the dark that theres just no light and everything is crumbling. until i know im not alone. and tomorrow can be better if i want it to. i can change this. and now doesnt have to be the end. and maybe i dont have to feel this way ever again if i dont want to. and then i wake up. im pinched or something just clicks and im okay. the song changed, i saw something happy, and i forget about it. im dazed from the energy i lost from crying but im awake enough to drive. i can come home.

(sorry i have alot on my mind...)

so sick of being alone. and its easy to say "you're not alone." but i am in more ways than one.

is this the start

of a new chapter? a new outcome, future, story, hope, everything. maybe. im stoked obama won the presidency. and i never knew how different we all were till i saw people writing about how they felt about the outcome. i guess in my eyes because i rooted for obama (no i did not vote, long story shory, didnt do absentee ballot bullshit), i believed that everyone who was my friend was gonna vote for him. like, we were all the same. but i was wrong. i mean, i dont care. i just find it kinda funny. but anyways.
lots of stuff going on right now.
i cant even keep my head straight
i just walked to starbucks and back, its beautiful outside .happy november5th. its like 65 degrees and sunny and ugh, i loved the walk. i got realllll tired coming up on the home stretch to the house, but i made it, luckily! i get so nervous around people and like think people are staring at me while im walking and i know, i know im just gonna trip and fall and get up and laugh while my face bleeds to death. thats my worst fear. 100% please dont fall in front of anyone. ive run into poles, sorta tripped, but never fell. (knock on wood)
so my job is going amazing, my schedule works out real well so its not overwhelming, its perfect. im making good money doing what i do, i just love it.

im pretty sure by 2009 everything in my life is going to be worked out.