wish you would leave me alone

my life is awesome. i dont mean to brag but maybe its worth bragging about. i brag because it still doesnt make me happy, something is missing. somethings not right. but heres the ups, the best, the good, the awesome. i have an awesome job. i got an awesome tax refund. i drive an awesome car. i have the cutest dog ever. and im about to fly to florida just because im bored and want a vacation. I love how free life can be. i can do whatever i want, at least it feel that way lately. im okay. i like things and i like waking up sometimes. its the falling asleep that sucks.
having money has been awesome. i got to pay some bills. splurge. pretend nothing has a price. happiness does sometimes. i just feel like for the first time in my life, things are going my way and exactly how id like it go. i love everything.


im in love with the idea of being in love and im not waiting anymore. im not searching for a lost cause. im not what everyone says i am. im not as bad as everyone makes me out to be. i just want what everyone wants and that doesnt make me sad.

ive been really enjoying having hayley in my life more often now. ever since she hurt herself she has been staying with me here at daniels apartment. we have so much fun and she also has fun by herself with her toys so it works out real well for both of us. today was the first time i left her home in her crate while i worked, and she did awesome! no accidents or anything. shes sooo cute.


!!!!!

damn im too excited for florida, i leave friday morning. i just bought my flight tonight out of spontanity. i just did it. didnt ask or tell anyone. just got em. then asked my dad to pick me up on friday morning from the airport
fucking awesome.



im ready to go now!!! time is flying too fast i need to slow it on down.

sad enough to say

i think im in love. i think im gonna make it right. i think im gonna go for the gold as they say. i have everything i could ever need, in all actuality. what else am i looking for. why am i always looking for more. why cant it be enough. why do i have to ruin things. i can make it right. i can.

im so confused. i dont know what im doing or if im doing whats right if i even know. what do i know.
im just a dumb little girl
so lost...


im at that point where i no longer know what i want but i know what everyone else wants. my secrets and regrets are killing me. and i just want to let it go and start over. i wanna act like we never met before today.

im just a person begging to be loved too.


maybe this is all a mistake and i should "quit while im ahead"

i wish someone knew the RIGHT thing for ME. enough about everyone else.

cant run, cant turn away

Everything is insane and out of control all the time. i dont know whats going on. who i know what i know. what i do.

im sick of writing the same shit
so basically ive been working a ton, in the midst of still moving out of my apartment and home
its hard to leave
its hard to think of leaving

everything is hard, i need to start over but thats not what i want.
i got nothing. im empty. soul less. angry. bitter.
i feel anger all around me. i could kill someone with my anger sometimes it seems
okay probably not
but still

and i cant control it, it makes me flare up and steam literally feels like its coming out of my ears. it could be anything. heres an example. today at 711, these loud rowdy men came in for drinks and hot dogs and stuff and just being loud and obnoxious. and all i think in a rage is how if they say one word to me i am going to flip out. and i feel my blood boiling. and im ready to take it. im ready to attack if they say ONE thing.
nothing happened and they didnt say anything to me.

but isnt that crazy or absurd? I hate driving now because im angry all the time when im on the road, driver after driver pisses me off. i really can only drive late at night. or like saturdays and sundays. getting off work and driving home is the absolute worst especially if its been a bad stressful day. i could literally total my car.

I am losing my mind, slowly but surely and i see it everyday. What will make me snap?


I miss me. Calm, submissive, quiet Jess.
Now im bluntly rude and a total asshole if i dont like you, and im just ignorant to anyone i choose to dislike. Maybe work brings it out in me. I will straight up hang up on people who try to be dicks. I dont give a fuck about you or your dog or if hes overdue on shots, you treat me like shit i will just hang up. My job teaches me i have no patience. I have actually straight up said "I am not doing this anymore" and walked away from a client once who was trying to play retarded and tell me we are misunderstanding each other, no you're just a fucking bitch.

! I am so mean. And prejudice. to everything. especially girls.

Something triggers this in me. I bet i know what it is. I need it.
why cant i get it?



oh i stretched my ears bigger. haaa im awesome.
i got nothing else to say, i kinda want to go to bed but its too early
i work 7 to 3 tomorrow. super lame. too early.
maybe not.
easy day whatever.
bye

angels and airwaves

the girl at my work got me into angels and airwaves again. i was so into them for a while. i heard they were terrible live so i never had any desire to do that, but damn i couldnt stop listening. they have the best lyrics, so different than anything ive ever listened to. its just my life. over and over. and i feel like everyone who really likes them feels the same. ha

been feeling more and more like a 15 year old girl with curfew, with limitations, with rules. I am 22 years old. thats so crazy. i can do whatever i want. anytime. with anyone. thats crazy. I make my own rules, but i cant help but feel like thats not true. I dont feel free. I dont know. I feel held down, underneath, inprisoned. I feel trapped. Maybe its me. I feel stuck. Like this is all ill ever have. but theres tons of things i want to do. Things i really want to do. I dont feel like they are possible here. not now. not here. I feel glued into this routine. This everyday on and off again routine. The way that i feel is up and down always. Im happy then sad, im excited then angry. It takes almost nothing to change me. Im just a little crazy. I deserve to be alone. I need to be alone. I keep wanting to leave town. Just hide for a bit. Get my big paycheck and bail. Roll out. Dip out. Peace. Haha no i definitely wont do that. Theres no way i could leave all i have, especially my job. Ill be fine. I just got a few quirks to work out. A few twists and grinds to figure out. Im the biggest mystery to myself. Im a puzzle i cant solve. The words i cant make out and the biggest secret ill ever not know. We are crazy. People in general.

So excited for obama. for 2009. ready to make this year about me. me. me. i deserve that more than i think anyone does (and i guess anyone should feel that way about themselves)

Never gonna give up on making my life into what i want. Someday im gonna figure it all out and its gonna be so easy. more easy than i ever thought. and im gonna look back and laugh. Im a pretty funny person anyways. I love me. Like me for me. I do bad shit but so does everyone. So im just average.

i love this luxury life ive been given and somehow i want to throw it all away at the same time.

insane

life is so fucking crazy. absurd and new and interesting and always moving. and its nice to sit back and look at it for that.


now is all we ever always have. right NOW.

we dont own the future or the past

this is how i feel

(:

wasting time

i wrote this on my phone. i love writing on my phone. i was at a starbucks listening to my ipod waiting for my sound system to be installed. these were my thoughts.

12/27
talk about change and why its hard and why it hurts to happen and why nothings ever easy for me. how bad luck is always right around the corner. its in everything I do. everything I say is wrong and confused and no one knows why it happens. I'm destined not for great things, great things don't happen to me. ever. I'm learning to not get my feelings hurt so bad or thinking about any of this or anything bad but it still happens. I can't control myself or any of the way I feel, its like... a thunder. it just hits when you really didn't want it to. its like a rainy summer day when you're off work and all you wanted was a sunny day. but that's not what you get at all. its like being out of gas when you get off work so instead of going right home, you have to stop in the cold and fill up or else? its like, the world knew you didn't have time or it was really the last thing you wanted to do but now you have to because it just happens that way.

I love the way it smells right now. I love people watching and imagining being a part of their conversations or knowing them and being involved in someone elses life. you know when someone walks by and you smell them, that's weird. sort of. I wonder what I smell like. I wonder if my smile makes others smile. I wonder if random acts of kindness really work and kick in and make people repeat. the way it smells. reminds me of home. of catonsville. the woods, the cars ha. life is so inspiring. just sitting here, stopping. I can remember things. I can feel. and I can understand the daily process. more-so today
then any other day. everything just makes sense. everything has a sound. everything has a feeling. a smell. a taste. an emotion. isn't that crazy.
life is so unusual. how we can control it. I'm making my life hell. ME all by myself. i do this
all to myself.

(deleted the rest)

did I somehow want this or make this happen. did I do this? I guess so I mean how else?
dang im crazy!