so inspired

to do something. to start over. to get it together. learn me. get to know me. do it for real. i have the opportunity with open hands. and im gonna take it. it might hurt. ill be sad alot. but i plan to get a puppy when i get there or beforehand for the drive down to keep it not so lonely. i think that would be nice. i have so many thoughts. all day. like. do i go? what do i have to do here before i go. how is it gonna work. is my dad gonna give me a room or just a bed. am i going to love it? will i be okay? how am i going to feel. Im more excited than anything. i have no bad thoughts or feelings. i feel like this is something i 100% need to do. i want to learn to live.
start this shit over.

i have so many plans. i want to write. i want to be inspired. i want to give up and give in. i want to say "fuck it" and do it. do what? go. i cant wait to get paid again. im kinda behind at the moment. but i wont be for long.

i have a ton of shit to do. to take care of. things to plan. get in order. and make it real. i feel like im about the make the best decision of my life.

maybe i havent even said what im doing
im taking a transfer of my job and going to a brand new branch opening in Delray Beach florida.
i will be moving in with my dad.
getting the volkswagen back.
pretty much starting over.
theres a ton of things i need to do for myself and my life.
even if i only stay for 6 months
my job here said i am always welcome back if i get home sick or if things dont work out
so what do i have to lose?
seriously.
i miss smoking cigarettes
ive been buying packs lately and smoking them randomly
they make me feel sick
but at the same time SOMETIMES i feel comforted, less stress.
like i said, i feel like im learning about me every single day
what makes me go.
im excited for the drive to florida. i want to make it. no tears, time to be a big girl. im 22 years old and i feel i have nothing to show for it because im in no place. i want to be normal. feel normal.
i cant wait to finish my second sleeve. which i will definitely finish before i go to florida.
jon glessner of course is going to be the main man with it.
ive been into shoulder tattoos
like little scripts
i think i want ..... nevermind i decided not to share

:P

im such a tattoo snob ha

when he cries
i know it




he doesnt even have to say it

lately im alright

and lately im not scared.

so much new stuff. theres always new stuff. im always excited i have stories and dreams and hope and faith of whats to come.
im moving to florida. this time for real. i think.
theres a branch of my job opening like right at my dads house march 21st 2009.
i put in my offer for transfer.
it'll come
and im gonna go.
i have to start over i have to get out of here. this life. this "me" i hate "me". i love me lately. just because im realizing. realization. i need hobbies. i live my own life. im not held down by anyone. if i dont make the move to florida ill never get out of this habit. this lifestyle. this "not me" me.

my thoughts throughout the day are insane. they are confusing. i look in the mirror and i dont see me. sometimes i look at my hands close and i dont know whose hands they are. these eyes that have cried the most, the words that spit the words that shouldve never been spoken. me. myself protecting me. my heart that makes me. my personality. my everything. im so awesome. (like so are you, but like people, you, yourself, should feel cool) cause you hate things. you love things. you get really mad but then you can get really happy. we can make ourselves feel whatever we want. we can control it. sometimes it feels out of control but its always within arms reach.
for the first time
ever
im starting to realize i have to go after what i want
i have to start over to start over
i have to do things that maybe i dont want to do
because i know i will love myself so much more
i can do things with myself and learn about me and take time.
other people are my inspiration
their stories and tears.
britney spears.


i need to learn about me. i dont know anything about me. i dont have a clean bill of health. some days i dont eat. sometimes i cant wake up. sometimes i want to be cleansed. other times i just dont care. why? sometimes i go to bed just to waste time. im tired. but im tired in other senses. im hungry, but for comfort. when my surroundings change or if something major happens, there goes my stomach. everything controls my eating. sometimes
sometimes
i think i have an eating disorder
but i have no body/self image issues.
i adore my body and would actually want to gain weight
i just dont like food
one meal a day is perfect.
but
i have my days where ill get mcdonalds breakfast and a huge boston market dinner complete with cannollis.
im crazy




everything controls me. the weather. the things people say. the music i hear. the traffic. everything. the biggest control i feel over me is time. im trapped in a non stopping clock. its always moving. but its always always moving but for me its faster. i see everything in a time period. an hour to get ready for work doesnt seem reasonable. i need an hour and 10 minutes. a one hour lunch break feels like 20 minutes. then a 9 hour work day feels like 5. i cant accept time for what it is. im a slave to it. i dread it and love it at the same time. love hate relationship with time?

im the most mentally unhealthy person i know.




florida might be just what i need. with a new puppy.
im gonna go puppy searching now

getting angry

you know like, when you get angry over something stupid? like its just the wrong fucking time. a bad joke or something. i sit here and could get easily riled up about a ton of shit that pisses me off. and its uncontrollable. like an urge. a tic. like i just gotta get mad. i bottle up everything. thats my problem. i dont care enough about my life to make a difference. i figure things will get better when they are suppose to get better.
im sick of being around pills. pills. pillheads. everyone doing pills. why cant people grow up. they take anti anxiety/ pain meds to get fucked up. i was on lexapro for 2 years. i can honestly say, no one "wants" to be on pills. normal people, that is. people have to take these things to live their life. to get by. to survive. then you turn it around and abuse it. i guess thats drug abuse. but i see it differently than smoking weed or drinking or cocaine. none of those really do anyone any good, so if you use, you lose. hahahah isnt that what they say? and i guess im one to say.

im going to the ottobar tonight to see my bros band play, im so tired. hungry. exhausted. mad. sad. i have no energy to do anything at all.


fuck the world.

how do i tell you your smile still makes me melt as well as your touch.

growing up

you know like when things just feel different? you just feel different? all the sudden things look different and feel different? what is it? the weather, the surroundings? words spoken or not. am i tired and i angry at something. do i have something on my mind completely not having to do with this? what is wrong. why do i feel indifferent. im sick of doing the same shit day after day. getting out is starting to feel okay. being around people, im trying to get used to it. its like a learning experience. from being hidden, from sneaking away, from being trapped in my bedroom ridden with anxiety. i guess i forgot how it feels to talk and listen, give advice and take it, close your eyes and open them again and just having it not be the same. its everything that factors in this. if only i could relax, turn off, shut down, go on standby of some sort, maybe i could get out of this. i feel fine till the anxiety hits then my body slowly breaks down for a 20 minute period. im tired, angry, sad, discouraged, depressed all at once. and it just HITS. then i think outside of it. like, "soooo you worked today you're gonna be tired" then its like okay im not nervous at all, just tired but its playing off into something else. im so awkward.

ive recently been having people tell me they like me. like.... they like "me" for me and being around me, and im sweet and nice and funny and have a nice smile. where i work i deal with alot of people and since it deals with alot of money and medical care for pets, yea it gets stressful and sometimes people dont understand what they are paying for or why. i see the worst of people when they lose it. and its nice to know sometimes the people call for me, and hope im working the day they bring their pets in, or when people give me compliments because their old and "think" im cute. ive been loving and loving my job more and more just because everyone makes it bareable. they make it worth hanging out overtime or coming in super early and waking up at 5am. sometimes, i really like people and the human race for what it is.

im trying so hard to get to where i want to be. last night i went to my apartment to hang out with my roomate bryan while he wasted time before his girlfriend got home from college for the weekend. we hung out, listened to music, i drank a can of arizona green tea, we laughed and talked and made up crazy (or is it?) ideas for the future. the future is an open door? or window? or something. and its pretty endless and i can make it into anything i want. the only thing is, whats the next step? how do i make it mine. how do i learn to live by me. how do i survive this? there are days i break down and cry and carry on about how i cant go on. how everything is pointless and theres just no reason for anything anymore. i call it my hopeless meltdown. it happens every now and again, the most stupidest song that i listen to everyday would make me cry when it used to make me smile. i hear everything wrong. i cant think because im so far in the dark that theres just no light and everything is crumbling. until i know im not alone. and tomorrow can be better if i want it to. i can change this. and now doesnt have to be the end. and maybe i dont have to feel this way ever again if i dont want to. and then i wake up. im pinched or something just clicks and im okay. the song changed, i saw something happy, and i forget about it. im dazed from the energy i lost from crying but im awake enough to drive. i can come home.

(sorry i have alot on my mind...)

so sick of being alone. and its easy to say "you're not alone." but i am in more ways than one.

is this the start

of a new chapter? a new outcome, future, story, hope, everything. maybe. im stoked obama won the presidency. and i never knew how different we all were till i saw people writing about how they felt about the outcome. i guess in my eyes because i rooted for obama (no i did not vote, long story shory, didnt do absentee ballot bullshit), i believed that everyone who was my friend was gonna vote for him. like, we were all the same. but i was wrong. i mean, i dont care. i just find it kinda funny. but anyways.
lots of stuff going on right now.
i cant even keep my head straight
i just walked to starbucks and back, its beautiful outside .happy november5th. its like 65 degrees and sunny and ugh, i loved the walk. i got realllll tired coming up on the home stretch to the house, but i made it, luckily! i get so nervous around people and like think people are staring at me while im walking and i know, i know im just gonna trip and fall and get up and laugh while my face bleeds to death. thats my worst fear. 100% please dont fall in front of anyone. ive run into poles, sorta tripped, but never fell. (knock on wood)
so my job is going amazing, my schedule works out real well so its not overwhelming, its perfect. im making good money doing what i do, i just love it.

im pretty sure by 2009 everything in my life is going to be worked out.