can we exist

can we change like other things. can we forgive the past. like dogs. i watched that Dog Whisperer show once and he said dogs dont give a crap about the past. they dont remember it. it doesnt affect them and they DO forgive naturally. what if we could? maybe we'd see the world brand new each day. every pain would be a non existent memory. we would only hope for the future and not dwell on the past or what happened. i wouldnt know anxiety. i wouldnt know panic. i wouldnt know sadness or loss or heartache. each day would just "be"
maybe i could live like that
yesterday is gone and the second that just passed, passed and its over. and nothing i will say or do could give it back. hm.... am i doing what i want to do with my seconds? my minutes? my time.
you know like, when you find something new that makes "it" makes the day matter. makes you smile just thinking about it? a song, a drink, a movie, a commercial, a familiar face.
i love my memory. i love "me" and the way i am. im quirky and funny and i think i surprise people every day. when im walking outside "oh ha you going for a smoke break??" "um, i dont smoke" why are you surprised? im over that, smarter than that. i dont know. i miss the concept of smoke break, still looking for ways to have a break.
i dont remember where i was, but i was driving one time i think to catonsville, or home from there, and it was so beautiful, yea it was TO catonsville, i jumped on 95. the baltimore city skyline was so bright against the sunset. it was like breathtaking. all i could think was "wow, i get to call that home" i live nestled within that beauty. im so lucky. i think i take alot of my life for granted. i wish i could learn to love. i live by text messages and expensive drinks from starbucks and only filling up my gas a little in hopes it'll be even lower, in the end i think im losing money in gas... i love hoodies, my car that i dont really care about. i call it my transportation. i dont clean it out, i dont take it to car washes, it runs fine. just fine. my dream is still this.. (googling a picture to place here to show you what i dream about, and dont laugh, im dead serious)yup a 1994 suzuki swift, completely modified simply because the car will cost me only 400$. I know this car inside out, when i get my next one, it will be my fourth. YES. i think i will cry just to sit in one. it has such a meaning for me. suzuki swifts where art thou? i cant find you anywhere, stop hiding in someone garage not being driven. i would sell my toyota in a heartbeat for this .

anyway im too tired, i want ice cream and the computer is running slow and shit. ew. bye

Why

I get my feelings hurt so bad when you do something that doesn't include
me.

If I could bottle up everything you did and said, I'd never need
another. Or anything else

why dont dreams come true?

you gave me hope for so many years. with each released song. each hidden song i somehow had to find, saved me. you said words i repeated to others. to win them over, to piss them off, to make them see my side. each and every song i can pick something out. not to brag, but i was into dashboard before you all knew what screaming infidelities was about. i mean, further seems forever chris carraba love. ive only seen him perform once. he almost has no fear.


so long sweet summer. i fell into you now youre gracefully falling away...

is it early

too early to blog. watching daniel play tiger woods 09 on xbox. willow (daniels dads dog) is staying with us here, shes a black lab mix with white paws, she real cute and fun. she shit everywhere last night but not her fault, so no biggie smallz. we went to bed so early, like 1130. so we both woke up around 8. been chilling, relaxing, hanging out. about to order breakfast from xs, yummm. its nice to have an early start on a saturday, not too tired. got a ton of sleep.

last night i went to arbys for dinner, i drove all the way to catonsville for the drive (and its the closest one to me.. ha)
i was listening to Mae- Destination:Beautiful album, its so good. reminds me of so much. i loved it.

i had memories, but not right now, maybe later.

hell freaking yes.

heres the rundown
life is getting better, clearly and fast
my insane work week is over
i have a 2 day break
im hanging out now watching college football
waiting on food to be delivered from joe squared
sooo good, potato skins, cheese and bacon yum yum yum
went to the dentist the other morning
ehhh not so good news, i need some work but im not stressed!
i got my lifetime to do it
ha
maybe not really
my paycheck ruled. 76 hours. not bad, huh?
dont really have bills this week, might prize myself with something
new phone? maybe.
id like that alot. but i think the google phone has to wait a couple more weeks
i need a new ipod, its under warranty till december but im so lazy
if i dont take it, ill never do it
cleaning daniels grandmas house tomorrow
thats extra cashhh. shits not so bad.

(:

okay
i dont really wanna blog anymore. byee

When I'm at a red light and there's cars around I try to make sure
whoever is next to me is not exactly next to me, I have this fear
someone will pull up a gun and calmly shoot me right in the head with a
silencer so no one hears it but my car drifts and people look in and
they see me with my brains blown. Pretty vivid imagination but its
exactly how I feel.

Its 1047, gotta wake up at 520am
Goodnight

I'm up

Its 1 in the morning. I have horrible back pains. We fought again before
going to bed. To the point I didn't wanna go to bed.
I think I can't get over it
Or forgive you
For doing what you did
I figure I was wrong
Out of line, a little dramatic
But why the hell not

Control is such a vicious thing, a cycle. And it can't ever end cause we
can never let go. At least that's what I know. Its not your fault. I
don't blame you or anyone. I'm very capable of making my own decisions.
So its me. A part of me. You.

I'm learning to live. Learning to fall? Everyday I just keep learning. I
can't get over it really. Everyday I'm learning one more easy way, or a
tip or advice or something to help me. Do I use it or take the advice,
not all the time. My mind is too cluttered.

Today when I came home from work I was flustered. I just felt out of
place and weird. Matybe cause it was messy, I thought, so I cleaned up.
Laid on the couch and closed my eyes. They twitched so bad. They
wouldn't stay shut. I knew then, I was stressed, or I'm really cluttered
and out of whack. It almost feels like I just need to cry, a good cry,
get some tension out. You know that feeling more than me I'm sure, but
I'm just learning. What makes me go. What makes me mad. What makes me
feel any thing really. I feel like I'm reborn or maybe just cause I'm
growing up. I lost touch and feel like I don't really know me.

Is that crazy?
Does anyone read this?

):

same shit different day/same day

whatever. heres where i say the same things. ive had different thoughts though. but yea, i worked till 4, forgot about this meeting we were having at 430 so i was at work till about 530, i guess i dont mind the extra hours at all. my total for my next paycheck will be like 75+ hours. little more or little less. but still, not bad at all. tonight i went to my moms after work for dinner. that was amazing. i had such a good time. i laughed so hard i cried. i love my family, so funny. hilarious. it was old times 100% and i loved it. i love all of them especially my mom of course. so after dinner i stopped at dunkin donuts got some donuts for the boys here and coffee for myself, had some coffee at my moms so it made me want it real bad! yummy!!

so yea like i said ive had different thoughts today. motivated, inspiring thoughts. smiling for the future. just feeling okay with where things are and in hopes things will be the same someday. be like i want them to be. feel a little more in control, or just control myself in general. too much stupid spending is killing me. buying and buying. more and more shit. i need to budget. really hard. maybe tomorrow on my break, thats what ill do but damn, i really need to. it sucks running out of money before the paychecks come through. this week i dont really have any bills to pay so ill put some away in savings and really be cautious with how i spend my money and where it goes. i know i can control myself. just say no. i need to go grocery shopping right when i get paid and get everything ill need to eat for the next two weeks, not that hard.

ill learn, i guess. im bored now, i guess ill go find more games to play.

i see your

heart grow bigger when you lose a friend




work ruled today, it was real easy and simple and got shit done and i just enjoyed my day. tomorrow is another relatively easy day i believe. working 9 to 4. Not bad. im running out of money so the week needs to drift by without need alot of money eek. i still have some on my bank card so whatever. watching college football now, about to take a shower then go to bed. been missing out on sleep, i dont have off work till next friday, if i havent already mentioned that before. its just crazy busy and working alot drives me crazy ha. i mean, im learning each day more and more to make the most of it. like, thats my job, my income, my rent, my "things", so why not love it. and i do love it and its crazy and every day is different. its a break in routine. i should be getting my review soon for my raise. its not much but hey, its a raise! i just checked the calender, i get it tomorrow? i guess we'll see.

thats crazy i been working there for 6 months. almost insane! ha so much time has passed its absurd. got a lot to look forward to. i made some "year" goals so im halfway there. we'll see if i get to do them alll....

so i guess now im gonna go take a shower so i can get into bed rather early and relax and watch tv... mmmm

My brother

Wishes he was in Good Charlotte

You never know

Its weird to think of realities. Real time things happening like time
moving and moving and it never stops and how we all just keep breathing
and our hearts don't stop beating and we communicate and have the
ability to do what you want. The world is a playground. Is it? I don't
live in that concept. I've never followed my own advice. Giving up on
starting over. Not feeling it, don't really care. Tiny jabs, words,
remarks carelessly made towards anyone. I can't believe I got so far. So
far. And everyday just a little further. It never stops but I treat it
like it does. Like its a break and it stops and goes. I've gotta stop
kidding myself. Everything is up to me. It seems like I'm on the verge
of something but what? What am I aiming for, what goal what conclusion?
What finale.

I guess we'll never know till I get there

ive been trying to reach you

today was alright.
woke up at 520am.
watched family guy till 6
got dressed and went to starbucks
got some tea
went to gas station and got gas
(it was still dark outside!)
finally headed to work to get there by 7
clocked in at 650am
had a very easy day at work, nothing dramatic or sad
just a buncha happy puppies and kitties! yay!
heidi is the new girl at work and she makes it fun, we sit and have girl talk most of the time
ha
life is going good
anthony green is so good
i want to have a party at my apartment
i just wonder how to entertain a buncha people who dont know each other
so it wouldnt happen
waiting on the damn google phone to come out
fuck pre order!
getting off work at 4 rules really hard. i mean, its like a real job where youre sitting in the traffic with everyone else going home.
tonight im gonna take it easy
daniel wants to go out to dinner but i dunno if i really feel like it
it would be nice to get out of the house for a few minutes
for now im just going to sit here
with my hunger headache
put some tv on
and get ready for work tomorrow
at least i get to sleep in (?) till 730.
haaaaa thats fucked up
dats my new hurr. ha loves it.
thanks britttt (:

now and today

all that really matters is today and now. now and today. this second. the air thats blowing, the scent you smell, the sounds you hear, the glorious sights, the taste, the touch. its all now. its not some memory or hope or wish. its happening. to think we can change anything and have complete control seems naive. it seems a little foolish but when it comes down to it, its reality i think. im pretty sure its not just a stupid phrase to say or believe in. but we really can change now. we can make this a memory. a good one. a bad one. a smart one. a dumb one. a "wish i coulda....". am i doing all i can this moment? and i doing what i want? maybe. maybe id rather be comfortably at a show with people. but i know if i went anywhere, i wouldnt feel comfortable and id be wishing i was home on a couch wishing i was out. its my own fault. my anxiety, my flaw. i bring it all on myself. i can say i want one thing but want something completely different. truth being, i NEVER know what i want. i want routine, i have that. maybe i want a change in routine but because i need routine i cant break out. i need this stability. this familiarity.
i watch you sleep. i build a poem in my head. things id never really say. i can think, dream, imagine all i want. ALL I WANT. and thats my given, as a person, which is pretty "kewl"
i love my job. i love the stress. i love learning to stand up for myself and tell people no. being rude to strangers who are rude to you is exhilarating. i dont want to be rude but sometimes you get what you deserve. i love meeting people. meeting people who dont want to hang out with me, they just need my help for like a half hour, tops. pretty interesting. i mean not that it really matters, but working at an animal hospital i realize pugs are more for me than ever. i made a really good choice having them as dogs, i think our personalities match or something, but im just drawn to them. i would love to rescue an older pug who needs love, who just wants to chill on a couch all day and maybe go on a walk once in a while. i cant have one at my apartment but maybe my mom could keep her there and i could go visit or have her over for sleepovers and stuff. that'd be cute. trying to figure out what i want. always trying to figure that out.
blogging helps. it lets me read the things i write when im vulnerable, sad, angry, depressed, hopeless, and then the times when im happy, enthusiastic, excited, and hopeFULL. its amazing how i change. from day to day.
i dont think im bipolar. just a girl. ha. im emotional and im pretty sure theres nothing wrong with that. its been a while since ive been out. i work alot and im just learning to seperate the two. coming home and being "off" work. and shutting it off. im just learning. of all the free time i have when im not working and spending it right instead of sitting around being miserable cause all i have is that time. its not that bad. its life. i can finally afford shit i could never afford before. i can pay for problems and debts and random things that come up. i can afford to drive and buy a cappucino blast if i want or new pants. i just can.

"say yes to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you"

thats never been so true. quoted from that book The Power Of Now! its sooo good. i was unable to finish it, but i kinda want to start it over again, it made my mind totally fucked up in a good way, i was starting to catch onto a new way of thinking, of living, of seeing things and myself and the things i say and do. i almost had it and understood it until i hit a chapter i felt completely lost in. some sort of inner twilight zone thing. im not really sure. its pretty late, daniel is passed out on the couch, im gonna wake him so we can head into bed, im so tired. its been a long day and i dont expect on sleeping the day away tomorrow. maybe waking up around 730 or with daniel at 830. if im a loser ill skip both and sleep till 9. thats crazy, sleeping late is 9am. what a silly life ive started to live. i remember waking up at 11 was early. i love being grown up. i love forever the sickest kids and motion city soundtrack and the google phone that i cant wait to have on the 22nd and my job and what friends i have and my car that wont quit on me, and my money i have and my valuable things. im so in love with my life. maybe things wont turn out so bad in the end.

goodnight, sorry for an earful.

Who really keeps squirrels as pets?? Weird!

I love that my mom lives in catonsville at her old house. I'm driving
there now and there's just something so freeing about it. Its home
again. I miss that feeling. I'm going to get it right now. I love life
today. Off work tomorrow. Amazing. Things are looking up.

Love my obama cup from 711. Mint tea yumm

today and the rest of my life

today was alright. i had off work which feels good. its always nice to have off work for anyone though, i guess. i slept till about 12. woke up sat around, watched tv, cleaned up some, drove around. and really did much of nothing. i work tomorrow 7-4 which is wild. ive never opened before so i hope i can do it and im not too tired!! i like waking up early so im sure it'll be fine. i would go to bed now if i could, soooo sleepy. tomorrow at work should be way easy and slow. we have two new girls but they are learning fast and so its becoming easier and easier each day.

with it becoming "fall" and getting cold out. i always feel weird. i have random anxious days where im nervous all day. just because of the weather. ive been doing well. the past year has been a worldwind. Ive grown so much stronger and im doing so much more with my life. its all uphill from here i believe. some days i just lose hope and swear it'll never get better and ill never get ahead and never pay off debt but thats just crazy talk, everything will be fine in the end. i am so stoked for the future. tomorrow that may change.

so heres a run through of life using single words and or short sentences. lots of tea, walking, fresh air, cold air if that, hoodies, 711 runs, long drive home, cheaper gas, easier to get through the day, shopping, target, blogging, thinking more, learning to breathe again, working alot, new hair soon, hoping for new tattoos soon, um thats it really.

my moms birthday is coming up. thats exciting. shes excited to be back at her old house and im even more excited. i need to find time to go over and hang out but there will be time, no worries.


i miss star rocket and the bean hollow and ellicott city.

Just testing this thing. Turns out I can update via email from my phone.
That'd be fun and easy and give me something to do when I'm bored. Well,
lets just see if this works.

its starting over

a year ago life was hell. not hell but not right. smiling was hard, getting by was even harder, but ive coped with a few good friends and help here and there. it seems the worst is over. fuck 2k8. its like right now is january. its a new year. life seems to be starting over but not dramatically. my mom is moving home. she doesnt know it yet, but its home, to everyone. it seems everything is gonna be the same. is it? am i joking? no. it has to be. i want to start seeing my family more often. all of them. cousins, aunts, uncles, and of course my immediate bros and sis'. its so weird. family is so weird. the same people, you've known them your whole life and even when you dont see each other for months, when you reunite its like you never parted. thats only family. you can take pictures together like you spent everyday together. and it just works that way. the magic of family. i need to get more into it. my family is larger than normal, so i should be taking advantage of that, all the different people i know, opinions, advice to be taken. Its pretty wild when you think about it. all my relatives have been to hell and back. almost all of them. we are strong and get through it.
tonight i am at daniels. listening to flight26 on xm (well on the tv). He is in bed sleeping. i dont work tomorrow so i stayed up. got some coffee earlier from dunkin donuts so maybe thats why i feel so awake. and so in the mood to write. i find myself writing ALOT on my phone, and i should update it and put it on here, but..... its a little uncensored. It talks alot of shit and its just anger. i write on my phone when angry. when i want to scream and shout, i put it into words on my sidekick. well, knix that idea, im not gonna be putting any of that for the world to see.
i wish i had a laptop. someone should send me money for one, paypal to indieunderfire@gmail.com if i had a laptop, i would write so much. i would blog 3 to 4 times a day. it would be so amazing. If only.... i could probably afford one soon... next week if i dont spend my money like crazy. i need to budget. when i have money i buy fast food breakfast, 711 snacks and endless stupid shit. i need to stop. i went grocery shopping a little. but soon i need to shop for my new apartment so maybe i could start staying there.
ugh my next chain of thought
im nervous to leave
like... this has become home. my safe haven. ive hidden here for the past year. exactly a year.
its been so fun. obviously so fun that i cant leave. i love laughing at stupid shit. being with "the guys", being with people, being with daniel. i know when i stay at my place i will have to have people over or else ill be alone. and i dont know, i know ill find myself back here. all the time. how do i break a routine i have no desire to break. i know i need to. for me. for him. but it just seems stupid. like why now? who cares. im happy. really, im happy. i could be happier.
um
the google phone comes out on the 22nd. i get paid the 17th. that phone will be mine. are you jealous YET? look at it!! its like iphone. maybe better? im not sure yet and not really concerned about comparison, i just want it!! all mine pretty puhlease. and also taking my ipod to get fixed soon too so that'd be sweet, so my new technology purchases for the next month include this phone, new ipod (well covered in warranty so its not a purchase but a given), new cd player in my car, and well thats it really. but thats alotta tech at once, right?? ha i love it. im feeling pretty stoked on life. got nothing really bringing me down. working a good amount of hours, it rules. getting good paychecks. being able to afford life and pretty soon pay off debts, im taking donations, like a said! read up for my email for that shit. ha. doesnt hurt to ask, you know? we are all needy people these days. im so excited to get my life on "track" you know? i want control, and life and fresh air, and smiling faces, and no more anger.
work is going really good. im enjoying the hell out of it. i see alot of animals throughout the day, i guess i start to define people by their pets. basically i have no respect for a person who cant control their own dog. there's just something wrong with that. i was never an expert on dogs but damn, my dogs were well behaved. little cosmo and wookie. i loved them. and they were good. but yea, i love seeing dogs and kitties all day. the other day i was playing with petsmarts dwarf hamsters, they are about the cutest fucking thing ive ever seen. im gonna buy one for kylee as a pet. once i get a little ahead financially, but yea. if you ever get a chance to hold one, you will die! i guess i hate mice and rats and shit, but these things are so cute dang, little balls of fluff. im really addicted to Pomeranians too, they so cute. but i still have my deep love for pugs and my next dog will most definitely be a pug, maybe one with special needs that i could love to death and take care of, especially with my job id be able to afford that and handle it. its just something id love to do if i had the chance. how can you say no to that face? i fell in love from the start with cosmo then rescuing wookie from some white trash hicks who kept her in a horse farm driving 7 hours in the snow through west virginia moutains with my front bumper falling off, had to tie it on when i reached my destination, wookie was so nervous and so little, i loved her so much the second i laid eyes on her picture on the internet. she was worth the 7 hour drive and possibly my life. even though we got pulled over and skidded through the snow, we made it and we had the best time together, sleeping together and waking up to her trying to cuddle. i could cry she was so cute. her and cosmo fighting for my attention and who was gonna sleep in front and back of me. god, i loved my life. what happened? one day ill have that again if its the last thing i do. theres nothing like love from dogs. pugs.
well
its late and ive blogged enough for now. i need to go to bed! im so tired! goodnight and thanks for reading if you did.....

xo