growing up

you know like when things just feel different? you just feel different? all the sudden things look different and feel different? what is it? the weather, the surroundings? words spoken or not. am i tired and i angry at something. do i have something on my mind completely not having to do with this? what is wrong. why do i feel indifferent. im sick of doing the same shit day after day. getting out is starting to feel okay. being around people, im trying to get used to it. its like a learning experience. from being hidden, from sneaking away, from being trapped in my bedroom ridden with anxiety. i guess i forgot how it feels to talk and listen, give advice and take it, close your eyes and open them again and just having it not be the same. its everything that factors in this. if only i could relax, turn off, shut down, go on standby of some sort, maybe i could get out of this. i feel fine till the anxiety hits then my body slowly breaks down for a 20 minute period. im tired, angry, sad, discouraged, depressed all at once. and it just HITS. then i think outside of it. like, "soooo you worked today you're gonna be tired" then its like okay im not nervous at all, just tired but its playing off into something else. im so awkward.

ive recently been having people tell me they like me. like.... they like "me" for me and being around me, and im sweet and nice and funny and have a nice smile. where i work i deal with alot of people and since it deals with alot of money and medical care for pets, yea it gets stressful and sometimes people dont understand what they are paying for or why. i see the worst of people when they lose it. and its nice to know sometimes the people call for me, and hope im working the day they bring their pets in, or when people give me compliments because their old and "think" im cute. ive been loving and loving my job more and more just because everyone makes it bareable. they make it worth hanging out overtime or coming in super early and waking up at 5am. sometimes, i really like people and the human race for what it is.

im trying so hard to get to where i want to be. last night i went to my apartment to hang out with my roomate bryan while he wasted time before his girlfriend got home from college for the weekend. we hung out, listened to music, i drank a can of arizona green tea, we laughed and talked and made up crazy (or is it?) ideas for the future. the future is an open door? or window? or something. and its pretty endless and i can make it into anything i want. the only thing is, whats the next step? how do i make it mine. how do i learn to live by me. how do i survive this? there are days i break down and cry and carry on about how i cant go on. how everything is pointless and theres just no reason for anything anymore. i call it my hopeless meltdown. it happens every now and again, the most stupidest song that i listen to everyday would make me cry when it used to make me smile. i hear everything wrong. i cant think because im so far in the dark that theres just no light and everything is crumbling. until i know im not alone. and tomorrow can be better if i want it to. i can change this. and now doesnt have to be the end. and maybe i dont have to feel this way ever again if i dont want to. and then i wake up. im pinched or something just clicks and im okay. the song changed, i saw something happy, and i forget about it. im dazed from the energy i lost from crying but im awake enough to drive. i can come home.

(sorry i have alot on my mind...)

so sick of being alone. and its easy to say "you're not alone." but i am in more ways than one.