can we exist

can we change like other things. can we forgive the past. like dogs. i watched that Dog Whisperer show once and he said dogs dont give a crap about the past. they dont remember it. it doesnt affect them and they DO forgive naturally. what if we could? maybe we'd see the world brand new each day. every pain would be a non existent memory. we would only hope for the future and not dwell on the past or what happened. i wouldnt know anxiety. i wouldnt know panic. i wouldnt know sadness or loss or heartache. each day would just "be"
maybe i could live like that
yesterday is gone and the second that just passed, passed and its over. and nothing i will say or do could give it back. hm.... am i doing what i want to do with my seconds? my minutes? my time.
you know like, when you find something new that makes "it" makes the day matter. makes you smile just thinking about it? a song, a drink, a movie, a commercial, a familiar face.
i love my memory. i love "me" and the way i am. im quirky and funny and i think i surprise people every day. when im walking outside "oh ha you going for a smoke break??" "um, i dont smoke" why are you surprised? im over that, smarter than that. i dont know. i miss the concept of smoke break, still looking for ways to have a break.
i dont remember where i was, but i was driving one time i think to catonsville, or home from there, and it was so beautiful, yea it was TO catonsville, i jumped on 95. the baltimore city skyline was so bright against the sunset. it was like breathtaking. all i could think was "wow, i get to call that home" i live nestled within that beauty. im so lucky. i think i take alot of my life for granted. i wish i could learn to love. i live by text messages and expensive drinks from starbucks and only filling up my gas a little in hopes it'll be even lower, in the end i think im losing money in gas... i love hoodies, my car that i dont really care about. i call it my transportation. i dont clean it out, i dont take it to car washes, it runs fine. just fine. my dream is still this.. (googling a picture to place here to show you what i dream about, and dont laugh, im dead serious)yup a 1994 suzuki swift, completely modified simply because the car will cost me only 400$. I know this car inside out, when i get my next one, it will be my fourth. YES. i think i will cry just to sit in one. it has such a meaning for me. suzuki swifts where art thou? i cant find you anywhere, stop hiding in someone garage not being driven. i would sell my toyota in a heartbeat for this .

anyway im too tired, i want ice cream and the computer is running slow and shit. ew. bye