now and today

all that really matters is today and now. now and today. this second. the air thats blowing, the scent you smell, the sounds you hear, the glorious sights, the taste, the touch. its all now. its not some memory or hope or wish. its happening. to think we can change anything and have complete control seems naive. it seems a little foolish but when it comes down to it, its reality i think. im pretty sure its not just a stupid phrase to say or believe in. but we really can change now. we can make this a memory. a good one. a bad one. a smart one. a dumb one. a "wish i coulda....". am i doing all i can this moment? and i doing what i want? maybe. maybe id rather be comfortably at a show with people. but i know if i went anywhere, i wouldnt feel comfortable and id be wishing i was home on a couch wishing i was out. its my own fault. my anxiety, my flaw. i bring it all on myself. i can say i want one thing but want something completely different. truth being, i NEVER know what i want. i want routine, i have that. maybe i want a change in routine but because i need routine i cant break out. i need this stability. this familiarity.
i watch you sleep. i build a poem in my head. things id never really say. i can think, dream, imagine all i want. ALL I WANT. and thats my given, as a person, which is pretty "kewl"
i love my job. i love the stress. i love learning to stand up for myself and tell people no. being rude to strangers who are rude to you is exhilarating. i dont want to be rude but sometimes you get what you deserve. i love meeting people. meeting people who dont want to hang out with me, they just need my help for like a half hour, tops. pretty interesting. i mean not that it really matters, but working at an animal hospital i realize pugs are more for me than ever. i made a really good choice having them as dogs, i think our personalities match or something, but im just drawn to them. i would love to rescue an older pug who needs love, who just wants to chill on a couch all day and maybe go on a walk once in a while. i cant have one at my apartment but maybe my mom could keep her there and i could go visit or have her over for sleepovers and stuff. that'd be cute. trying to figure out what i want. always trying to figure that out.
blogging helps. it lets me read the things i write when im vulnerable, sad, angry, depressed, hopeless, and then the times when im happy, enthusiastic, excited, and hopeFULL. its amazing how i change. from day to day.
i dont think im bipolar. just a girl. ha. im emotional and im pretty sure theres nothing wrong with that. its been a while since ive been out. i work alot and im just learning to seperate the two. coming home and being "off" work. and shutting it off. im just learning. of all the free time i have when im not working and spending it right instead of sitting around being miserable cause all i have is that time. its not that bad. its life. i can finally afford shit i could never afford before. i can pay for problems and debts and random things that come up. i can afford to drive and buy a cappucino blast if i want or new pants. i just can.

"say yes to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you"

thats never been so true. quoted from that book The Power Of Now! its sooo good. i was unable to finish it, but i kinda want to start it over again, it made my mind totally fucked up in a good way, i was starting to catch onto a new way of thinking, of living, of seeing things and myself and the things i say and do. i almost had it and understood it until i hit a chapter i felt completely lost in. some sort of inner twilight zone thing. im not really sure. its pretty late, daniel is passed out on the couch, im gonna wake him so we can head into bed, im so tired. its been a long day and i dont expect on sleeping the day away tomorrow. maybe waking up around 730 or with daniel at 830. if im a loser ill skip both and sleep till 9. thats crazy, sleeping late is 9am. what a silly life ive started to live. i remember waking up at 11 was early. i love being grown up. i love forever the sickest kids and motion city soundtrack and the google phone that i cant wait to have on the 22nd and my job and what friends i have and my car that wont quit on me, and my money i have and my valuable things. im so in love with my life. maybe things wont turn out so bad in the end.

goodnight, sorry for an earful.