days i wonder

sometimes i wonder, or alot i wonder, how did we end up together. what put you and i in the same room. what made us yearn to kiss. what made us want to be together. i wonder this all the time because



i still feel the same sometimes.

I get second thoughts all the time im second thinking florida. and trying to come up with new solutions to my problems that maybe wouldnt involve moving 1500 miles. maybe i can do this here. home. everyone wants to run, like i want to run. but maybe i shouldnt. i change my mind every minute. every second it changes. im happy then sad. im vulnerable then aggressive. i think i deserve whats mine. and i dont think i get it all. shorted all through life im finally determined to get what belongs to me.

i look at you and i just feel it. you know? i know you dont get it. i dont get it. i dont want to be this way. i dont want to go through this. i wish there was an explanation. a finale. something to end this maybe. my feelings control everything. i dont do anything cause my mind over powers my feelings, everything is done on emotions.

in a couple minutes i wont feel this way.

sick of being a confused little girl. i want to feel confident and sure of myself to know everything will work out. i have no security. no promises. no pen on paper. i just have this. what i know and have. i have no pictures no memories. just this moment. whatever my eyes see. however i feel. theres no way to keep track, just this. if i looked hard enough maybe i could learn to hate. but not today. i dont want what i think i want. what i know i cant have. im running on fumes. exhaust... my own blood you never stop boiling.

if only i could write how i really feel. REALLY feel. the world is so censored. we cease to hurt others feelings and show our true selves. we save it. we bottle it up and send it out to sea. speaking of sea, thats where i wanna be. maybe ill just take a vacation to florida. some sort of time off. time out. stop time. sleep eat relax. for a week. everytime i go to florida, im looking for something. maybe i should stop. stop searching, its all here, home. not there. maybe nothing is there BUT vacation.

today i cried in the shower. its so awkward and almost... weird to just sob naked. with water pouring over you. its like so pathetic it made me cry even harder, like "am i really doing this? right now?"

im such a pathetic person.

what am i waiting for? what are my ambitions and dreams? what do i wish for? what are my hopes and ideas? what are my plans. where am i going . where will i end up. what the hell am i doing. i cant control myself almost. its like.... everything i feel makes me not do the things i want. my nervousness, anxiety, shame, insecurity, it all takes a place at every moment. its easier to sit home and not deal with that. to just feel normal for a bit.



if i stopped complaining, i just realized, id be nothing.