lately im alright

and lately im not scared.

so much new stuff. theres always new stuff. im always excited i have stories and dreams and hope and faith of whats to come.
im moving to florida. this time for real. i think.
theres a branch of my job opening like right at my dads house march 21st 2009.
i put in my offer for transfer.
it'll come
and im gonna go.
i have to start over i have to get out of here. this life. this "me" i hate "me". i love me lately. just because im realizing. realization. i need hobbies. i live my own life. im not held down by anyone. if i dont make the move to florida ill never get out of this habit. this lifestyle. this "not me" me.

my thoughts throughout the day are insane. they are confusing. i look in the mirror and i dont see me. sometimes i look at my hands close and i dont know whose hands they are. these eyes that have cried the most, the words that spit the words that shouldve never been spoken. me. myself protecting me. my heart that makes me. my personality. my everything. im so awesome. (like so are you, but like people, you, yourself, should feel cool) cause you hate things. you love things. you get really mad but then you can get really happy. we can make ourselves feel whatever we want. we can control it. sometimes it feels out of control but its always within arms reach.
for the first time
ever
im starting to realize i have to go after what i want
i have to start over to start over
i have to do things that maybe i dont want to do
because i know i will love myself so much more
i can do things with myself and learn about me and take time.
other people are my inspiration
their stories and tears.
britney spears.


i need to learn about me. i dont know anything about me. i dont have a clean bill of health. some days i dont eat. sometimes i cant wake up. sometimes i want to be cleansed. other times i just dont care. why? sometimes i go to bed just to waste time. im tired. but im tired in other senses. im hungry, but for comfort. when my surroundings change or if something major happens, there goes my stomach. everything controls my eating. sometimes
sometimes
i think i have an eating disorder
but i have no body/self image issues.
i adore my body and would actually want to gain weight
i just dont like food
one meal a day is perfect.
but
i have my days where ill get mcdonalds breakfast and a huge boston market dinner complete with cannollis.
im crazy




everything controls me. the weather. the things people say. the music i hear. the traffic. everything. the biggest control i feel over me is time. im trapped in a non stopping clock. its always moving. but its always always moving but for me its faster. i see everything in a time period. an hour to get ready for work doesnt seem reasonable. i need an hour and 10 minutes. a one hour lunch break feels like 20 minutes. then a 9 hour work day feels like 5. i cant accept time for what it is. im a slave to it. i dread it and love it at the same time. love hate relationship with time?

im the most mentally unhealthy person i know.




florida might be just what i need. with a new puppy.
im gonna go puppy searching now