this is a fact i found out recently
i freak out when i find out something that might change my routine, my comfort level, everything. i hate new things, i hate getting used to something new. i never want change. i love everything the way it is. i must have the personality of a boy or something
christmas is next week
i finished all my xmas shopping but im completely broke.
i hope my paycheck comes on weds instead of thurs cause of the holiday. i need to buy some last minute shit on xmas eve. ugh. so stressed. i hate being stressed out. i wonder what im gonna get for christmas this yearrr. !!! im a little stoked but i never expect much and get more than i wanted.
so the year has come to an end. im in a whole different place emotionally and its mind blowing. im going to look for a blog/writing something that i wrote a year ago this time... one sec...
AWWW so i found this on my myspace blog. i wrote this December 12th 2007, its precious:
"because you said so"
I am a nice girl. Regardless of the choices I have made and the things I have done, I am nice. I slow down on the beltway and let trucks get over if they need to without bitching about it. Only trucks. I hold the door open for everyone. And smile and say thank you if someone holds the door open for me. I cry for people. I have severe sympathy for everyone. I make wishes at 11:11. morning and night. I mostly catch the night one, but its all coincidence, honest! But those wishes never come true and sometimes I think I should give it up, but still something attracts me to look at clocks at 11:11. maybe its not for wishing at all, maybe its bad luck, cause I feel like that's all I have lately. Lots and lots of bad luck. I watch Intervention all the time just because it leads me even closer to believe that there IS good in everyone. EVERYONE. There is a happy story before they ended up where they are. And most of all, they all think they aren't loved and they are alone. But if they were, the word "Intervention" would not exist, right? Because an intervention is a meeting of loved ones telling someone who is rock bottom that they aren't alone and that it doesn't have to be like this. So whatever, there is good in everyone blablabla. Believe it. And I guess my end conclusion to this paragraph would be that even though I might get a little weird, a little crazy, a little loud, a little annoying maybe, im still a nice girl who would do anything for anyone. And that most of all makes ME a good person.
p.s. I wasn't even going to post this but Daniel said I should, so here.
::
So thats pretty cute sort of. i dont know where i was. or how i felt but i guess it was. I dont know. im so uncertain of life. i want my own stuff. i want my OWN apartment. my OWN stuff. my OWN time. my OWN paycheck. I dont know. everything i have is mine. but im borrowing it or it not really mine. i dont know. sometimes i want to be selfish and fall into a hole.
sometimes i dont want to wake up.
bleh. life isnt that bad. im an assistant manager of an animal hospital, i have a roof over my head and a full stomach. a nice phone. a laptop i can use. a nice tv to watch tv from if i want. the cutest car. the best friends.
but im not happy.
I should be, i know i should be. Im missing something. im forgetting something. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. sad.
im going to plan a vacation. i need to get out of here. i need something new. i need an adventure. i need fun and randomness. i need pictures of memories of things done. i need new faces and a story to tell.
vacation shopping, bye.
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