wasting time

i wrote this on my phone. i love writing on my phone. i was at a starbucks listening to my ipod waiting for my sound system to be installed. these were my thoughts.

12/27
talk about change and why its hard and why it hurts to happen and why nothings ever easy for me. how bad luck is always right around the corner. its in everything I do. everything I say is wrong and confused and no one knows why it happens. I'm destined not for great things, great things don't happen to me. ever. I'm learning to not get my feelings hurt so bad or thinking about any of this or anything bad but it still happens. I can't control myself or any of the way I feel, its like... a thunder. it just hits when you really didn't want it to. its like a rainy summer day when you're off work and all you wanted was a sunny day. but that's not what you get at all. its like being out of gas when you get off work so instead of going right home, you have to stop in the cold and fill up or else? its like, the world knew you didn't have time or it was really the last thing you wanted to do but now you have to because it just happens that way.

I love the way it smells right now. I love people watching and imagining being a part of their conversations or knowing them and being involved in someone elses life. you know when someone walks by and you smell them, that's weird. sort of. I wonder what I smell like. I wonder if my smile makes others smile. I wonder if random acts of kindness really work and kick in and make people repeat. the way it smells. reminds me of home. of catonsville. the woods, the cars ha. life is so inspiring. just sitting here, stopping. I can remember things. I can feel. and I can understand the daily process. more-so today
then any other day. everything just makes sense. everything has a sound. everything has a feeling. a smell. a taste. an emotion. isn't that crazy.
life is so unusual. how we can control it. I'm making my life hell. ME all by myself. i do this
all to myself.

(deleted the rest)

did I somehow want this or make this happen. did I do this? I guess so I mean how else?
dang im crazy!