ive got a lot to say.

hi. hi. im back, i deleted my last blog after just some bad feelings. im over it. my blog is not intentionally meant to hurt anyone. i get into my "writing" stage and i just start writing without even thinking, i never mention names, causing people to misread things or think i am writing about them when i am not. Well, i guess i really cant worry about that, i write what i want to write, what bothers me, whats on my mind, everything, im not going to censor myself for the safety of others. I am not trying to hurt anyones feelings ever.
Anyways.
Daniel is out of town now
He left Thursday night, a little bit earlier than the planned Friday morning. So we hung out, (tried to) eat dinner, and just hung out. I was kinda bummed he left earlier but what can i do! ha Thats my luck! Speaking of luck, well... Thursday was my day from hell. HELL. Again, people think im joking or being overdramatic when i say i have bad luck, but im serious! I have it the worst! Its kinda karma is not in my favor anymore. All that good shit ive done? Doesnt mean shit right now. So anyways, i woke up helping daniel get carpet for the tour van they taking, so that meant before going to work i was going to have to run to hunt valley and get carpet from my moms work. Well on the way back to Catonsville my cars hot water temp gauge light started flashing. I couldnt understand why? Then my check engine light came on. I was starting to freak out. I pulled over, turned the car off, sat for a couple seconds then started the car back up and got on my way. Well the lights both came back on... whatever, right? After passing rt70 on 695, there was alot of smoke coming out of my hood. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! So i pull over turn the car off immediately get out of the car, open my hood and let shit air out. All the while i call daniel just crying. Like bad shit never stops happening to me and i couldnt understand why, and just the night before i felt like i was falling apart because of it, so to have something bad happen to me, i just wasnt in the mood to deal with it. Standing on the side of 695, crying your eyes out next to your car that cant seem to stop smoking is not what i call a good day. Tim came and got me and we drove to work together and i just didnt care for the rest of the day. Just didnt want to deal with it. My insurance covers towing (THANKGOD) so i paid the 80 bucks up front, had the shit towed to Jeffs house and my friend Rob is gonna check my car out on monday. So what happened to the car was basically a tube running from the antifreeze to the engine broke off or got a hole in it. nothing TOO serious! but jesus, i was suppose to be driving to florida. what if that happened to me like in the middle of nowhere? I wouldnt even know what to do. I kept thinking if that happened just picturing myself on the side of 95 (even worse than 695) in the middle of nowhere, crying my eyes out, and just having weirdos pull over trying to attack me. But yea, it happened in baltimore where i was able to be saved. I guess thats my good luck of the whole thing? Ha
so i have the place to myself since daniel is on tour. i cleaned it up so its nice, the windows are open blowing ALMOST spring like smells into the rooms, candles lit, lights out, movie on the television. I would say right at this moment, i feel okay. Im not stressed. I dont care about the things that make my heart ache. I can smile and really feel a sense of happiness. The streetlights outside glow up this dark apartment, i dont need any lights on at all. There are lights everywhere. Free light. Ha.
A couple years ago i read this book, Siddhartha, a friend of mine was speaking quotes from it and i was suddently intrigued to read it again. So i think before work tomorrow, ill grab it out and that should keep me busy. Its such a good book. I remember wishing i had the ability to see peoples auras like the book talked so much about. the colors surrounding people. the reality of reality? seeing things for the product value they hold. how "mechanical" this whole world is. everything is a product of something else. Like..... just seeing things and being amazed at how they even exist. How much america has grown. I guess not america, but technology? advancement? Just being able to live is a miracle. How we stand on our two feet. How we can have feelings. I should be embracing these feelings for i may never feel them again. Maybe tomorrow ill find complete happiness and never cry again. What if, huh? Life is so unreal. Alive. Human body. Human heart? Thats another thing. Me and tim were talking about, the human heart. Its always beating. Its constantly working for you. It could say "fuck it" and quit on you earlier than its suppose to. But it doesnt. It accepts our bad choices, food and habits and still keeps on beating. When we sleep and laugh and cry and swear our hearts stopped beating, its still there. Existence is wild. I hope im doing all i can. I hope that even though i might not being doing what others define as fun, im still doing exactly waht i want to do. Thats all that matters, right? I could sit here in complete silence and its still exactly what i want to be doing. No more no less. Well maybe less, by being in bed, but ha. I feel content. Im just happy to feel. Feel anything but sadness and sorrow and misery. I just dont want to do it anymore. I sent an application to TGI Fridays of towson, i used to waitress, or should i say, i did it once. Ha. So why not? Sick of sitting around not having money. I have bills and debt that need to get paid. Its time to grow the fuck up. I dont know about going to florida anymore, i just cant afford it, as much as i feel like i need to go out of town for a coiuple days. I guess ill figure it out eventually.
ill figure everything out eventually.

well now im watching some movie on tv with jamie kennedy? i just came out of a coma, lets see what its called...Kickin It Old School? Never heard of it Ha. So im gonna light up the rest of this blunt. im sure i will be writing more again tomorrow.

todays positive thought/quote
" life is only as good as the memories we make"

I think that will be my next tattoo.... some sort of leg piece? About living.




cant wait.