scared

its 1230 a.m. i told everyone i went to bed. im not in bed. im at this computer, okay i WAS in bed but i had to write. Right now writing is whats going to save me. Not a pill. Not a person. Not a thing. Just expression. It will fix me.
Lately i feel like my life passed me by. I find photos of me happy, i remember how i felt, i remember how the air felt, how the cigarettes i was smoking felt, i remember how my mom made me feel, how kylee made me feel when she would show up. I remember when my best friend would pull up, how excited i would feel. The excitement that someone cared and wanted to spend time with me. I dont feel like anyone wants to spend time with me. I feel like a burden. a sort of cold shoulder you dont want around. I know im a happy person when i can be, but sometimes i just feel like when i talk, when i come around, when i walk in a room, "oh theres jess, time to listen to all her problems". But in a way. Thats not me, thats never been me. Just recently. I guess writing it down prevents me having to throw it in anyones face or ask for help. I cant ask for help anymore. The answer was within me all along. The solution. The quick fix. Is me. No one can do it but me. but why do i feel like maybe if someone were holding my hand, it would hurt just a little less. If someone could go through this with me arm in arm, it'd feel a little better. It would sting a little less. I would be able to keep my balance a little more. I lose my balance a little more than others, and that's only in my head. In all seriousness, i think when you see me, you know im not together. Something shows. I look a little worn down, a little tired, a little used? How do i look to you all?


I want something new. Anything. I am going to go to bed now.