imipramine

scares me so bad, i keep reading about it on the internet and i cant believe that shit is in my body. there is something in my body that could seriously harm me if i were to get pregnant?? I mean dont get me wrong, i am not trying to have no kid, but the fact is that there is something unnatural in me that if my live were to form another life, that life would be fucked up. FUCKED UP because i cant handle the fact that i might cry a little more than other, that i might get a little nervous more than the average person. Well im not doing it anymore. Tonight i will take 1 pill. Last night i took 2, it sure beats the 3. I can already feel the difference in my heart. My heart doesnt hurt. Its not beating too slow. Its not functioning below normal. Its beating fine. I was outside doing yard work and my heart felt fine. I need all the support i can get, i can tell i might not feel like myself for the next week, but at least i have this blogger to keep writing. It will keep my head up and i know i will feel like shit but like daniel said, i can just smoke weed whenever i feel like shit! Ha! So im going to be non medicated for the first time since like 2002? I am so fucking excited. i want to feel pure. i dont want to feel like shit because of some medication ive been on. i dont want to be tired because of something thats suppose to keep me happy, thats not even doing that in the first place? What the fuck is the point. What am i waiting for? One day its just going to work? No. Its been 3 months since ive been on this medication, yea the anxiety is gone, like ive said, but the medication has nothing in it for anxiety, strictly an antidepressant (or for bedwetting in children, again, wtf?????) So if my anxiety is subsided on this med, im just a little more sad than usual, what could happen if i get off? Be sad? Fuck that. I will know what i feel is pure and "me" i will know that i can solely control it and that if i do something to change it, it will change, and theres not gonna be something inside me that is holding me back or only letting me get to a certain level. i want real happiness for the first time in 7 years. I want to feel something real. I want to love. I want to live. I want to hope. I want to sleep and sleep. I want to dream and wake up and not feel sluggish. I want to run and not be out of breath. I want to smile and know its true. I want to feel warm in my heart. I want to feel my legs move when i walk, and not be scared to trip, i want to control every aspect of my own life for once. I want it to be mine.

Today i read this:
I could never know how to love if i didnt know heartache first
id never know the value of life without the pain of my death
i couldnt appreciate peace if it werent for suffering
i would never be healed if i wasnt broken to begin with.....

how inspirational is that? I feel so great. I feel so pure and the air in my lungs is clear. Okay maybe the air is a little hazy from the blunt i just put out but still, it feels fresh. It doesnt burn or ache to breathe, the heart doesnt hurt to beat. the hands to sting to type. the eyes dont melt to see. the smile comes easy and the words are flowing freely right from my mind onto this page? website? blog?

everything feels okay. i can feel myself a little more. how weird the human body is again. Ha! i yearn to drive. really fast. i want to hit 100mph and have the music so loud surrounding me. I want to feel invincible like nothing can touch me. Nothing can touch me now. Im only sad because i want to be sad. I dont have to be, but its so easy. To just break.... you feel the crumble? you ever feel that "letting go" of breaking down? Its such a relief. and its like the tears fall exactly where you wish they wouldnt, all over your lap. And they flow and flow without you having to blink. Where is all this water coming from? How can a little person like me make all these tears? Isnt that funny? Where is it stored at? Do you gain/lose weight the more you cry? Like water weight? Is that absurd? Haha i think its funny. Tears, salt water, we make salt water. Its been a while since ive tasted my tears. They just havent made it to my lips as of lately. They seem to fall right off my face. I also find myself, after a good cry, just smiling. Just sitting back and saying "so what?" What is crying going to fix? Everything wrong will still be gone, maybe ill get some sympathy and it helps but in the end it doesnt fix the problems. I almost laugh at myself for how silly i can be. All the time ive wasted crying when i most likely could have been laughing or smiling or loving. I always picked crying. I like to pick things out i know will make me cry and blow them up and amplify it and let it tear me apart. I can take anything anyone says and turn it into something that hurts my feelings. I feel when i care a little less. If i make myself, force myself to just not give a shit, it hurts less. I smile because i cannot believe i dont care. I know im suppose to, and i dont! But, its not real. It hurts in the end. In the end when im alone, or when i break down, i bring it all up. "i said i was okay, but i wasnt"

"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing..."
"Tell me about nothing."

How perfect. What a perfect response. Nothing means something. Something but we dont know how to start. Its like saying out of nowhere "Im going to say what color the sky is, but you reply with a number" I feel like im about to announce something that you will be like "Where the hell did that come from" It seems like such a mystery. Something so wrong. Things that bother me, i fear they bother everything else. I know it shows on my face. You always know. Nothing means everything. Like the little nothings mean everything to me. Its exactly the same way. I think i figured it out. Maybe not entirely but im working hard to figure myself out. Learn about me. What makes ME tick. What I want. What I need for myself. Some sort of independence. some stability couldnt hurt. a little love. some help. encouragement. most of all, a good time. I just want to always be happy and keep a smile on my face, maybe it will become some sort of habit? I cant wait to get off my medicine for real. I am so excited for the future.

I think i am about to run out and get some food from somewhere, royal farms or 711 not really sure yet. Tomorrow ill be home all day so i gotta get some snacks to eat. At like 430 i gotta get my car towed to vw and my friend rob is going to fix it for me. 200$. Ughhh. Ill never get ahead, but i cant let it get me down. No no no. Gotta keep on moving.

Happy Monday everyone.