Tuesday, October 7, 2008
today and the rest of my life
today was alright. i had off work which feels good. its always nice to have off work for anyone though, i guess. i slept till about 12. woke up sat around, watched tv, cleaned up some, drove around. and really did much of nothing. i work tomorrow 7-4 which is wild. ive never opened before so i hope i can do it and im not too tired!! i like waking up early so im sure it'll be fine. i would go to bed now if i could, soooo sleepy. tomorrow at work should be way easy and slow. we have two new girls but they are learning fast and so its becoming easier and easier each day.
with it becoming "fall" and getting cold out. i always feel weird. i have random anxious days where im nervous all day. just because of the weather. ive been doing well. the past year has been a worldwind. Ive grown so much stronger and im doing so much more with my life. its all uphill from here i believe. some days i just lose hope and swear it'll never get better and ill never get ahead and never pay off debt but thats just crazy talk, everything will be fine in the end. i am so stoked for the future. tomorrow that may change.
so heres a run through of life using single words and or short sentences. lots of tea, walking, fresh air, cold air if that, hoodies, 711 runs, long drive home, cheaper gas, easier to get through the day, shopping, target, blogging, thinking more, learning to breathe again, working alot, new hair soon, hoping for new tattoos soon, um thats it really.
my moms birthday is coming up. thats exciting. shes excited to be back at her old house and im even more excited. i need to find time to go over and hang out but there will be time, no worries.
i miss star rocket and the bean hollow and ellicott city.
with it becoming "fall" and getting cold out. i always feel weird. i have random anxious days where im nervous all day. just because of the weather. ive been doing well. the past year has been a worldwind. Ive grown so much stronger and im doing so much more with my life. its all uphill from here i believe. some days i just lose hope and swear it'll never get better and ill never get ahead and never pay off debt but thats just crazy talk, everything will be fine in the end. i am so stoked for the future. tomorrow that may change.
so heres a run through of life using single words and or short sentences. lots of tea, walking, fresh air, cold air if that, hoodies, 711 runs, long drive home, cheaper gas, easier to get through the day, shopping, target, blogging, thinking more, learning to breathe again, working alot, new hair soon, hoping for new tattoos soon, um thats it really.
my moms birthday is coming up. thats exciting. shes excited to be back at her old house and im even more excited. i need to find time to go over and hang out but there will be time, no worries.
i miss star rocket and the bean hollow and ellicott city.
Monday, October 6, 2008
its starting over
a year ago life was hell. not hell but not right. smiling was hard, getting by was even harder, but ive coped with a few good friends and help here and there. it seems the worst is over. fuck 2k8. its like right now is january. its a new year. life seems to be starting over but not dramatically. my mom is moving home. she doesnt know it yet, but its home, to everyone. it seems everything is gonna be the same. is it? am i joking? no. it has to be. i want to start seeing my family more often. all of them. cousins, aunts, uncles, and of course my immediate bros and sis'. its so weird. family is so weird. the same people, you've known them your whole life and even when you dont see each other for months, when you reunite its like you never parted. thats only family. you can take pictures together like you spent everyday together. and it just works that way. the magic of family. i need to get more into it. my family is larger than normal, so i should be taking advantage of that, all the different people i know, opinions, advice to be taken. Its pretty wild when you think about it. all my relatives have been to hell and back. almost all of them. we are strong and get through it.
tonight i am at daniels. listening to flight26 on xm (well on the tv). He is in bed sleeping. i dont work tomorrow so i stayed up. got some coffee earlier from dunkin donuts so maybe thats why i feel so awake. and so in the mood to write. i find myself writing ALOT on my phone, and i should update it and put it on here, but..... its a little uncensored. It talks alot of shit and its just anger. i write on my phone when angry. when i want to scream and shout, i put it into words on my sidekick. well, knix that idea, im not gonna be putting any of that for the world to see.
i wish i had a laptop. someone should send me money for one, paypal to indieunderfire@gmail.com if i had a laptop, i would write so much. i would blog 3 to 4 times a day. it would be so amazing. If only.... i could probably afford one soon... next week if i dont spend my money like crazy. i need to budget. when i have money i buy fast food breakfast, 711 snacks and endless stupid shit. i need to stop. i went grocery shopping a little. but soon i need to shop for my new apartment so maybe i could start staying there.
ugh my next chain of thought
im nervous to leave
like... this has become home. my safe haven. ive hidden here for the past year. exactly a year.
its been so fun. obviously so fun that i cant leave. i love laughing at stupid shit. being with "the guys", being with people, being with daniel. i know when i stay at my place i will have to have people over or else ill be alone. and i dont know, i know ill find myself back here. all the time. how do i break a routine i have no desire to break. i know i need to. for me. for him. but it just seems stupid. like why now? who cares. im happy. really, im happy. i could be happier.
um
the google phone comes out on the 22nd. i get paid the 17th. that phone will be mine. are you jealous YET?
look at it!! its like iphone. maybe better? im not sure yet and not really concerned about comparison, i just want it!! all mine pretty puhlease. and also taking my ipod to get fixed soon too so that'd be sweet, so my new technology purchases for the next month include this phone, new ipod (well covered in warranty so its not a purchase but a given), new cd player in my car, and well thats it really. but thats alotta tech at once, right?? ha i love it. im feeling pretty stoked on life. got nothing really bringing me down. working a good amount of hours, it rules. getting good paychecks. being able to afford life and pretty soon pay off debts, im taking donations, like a said! read up for my email for that shit. ha. doesnt hurt to ask, you know? we are all needy people these days. im so excited to get my life on "track" you know? i want control, and life and fresh air, and smiling faces, and no more anger.
work is going really good. im enjoying the hell out of it. i see alot of animals throughout the day, i guess i start to define people by their pets. basically i have no respect for a person who cant control their own dog. there's just something wrong with that. i was never an expert on dogs but damn, my dogs were well behaved. little cosmo and wookie. i loved them. and they were good. but yea, i love seeing dogs and kitties all day. the other day i was playing with petsmarts dwarf hamsters, they are about the cutest fucking thing ive ever seen. im gonna buy one for kylee as a pet. once i get a little ahead financially, but yea. if you ever get a chance to hold one, you will die! i guess i hate mice and rats and shit, but these things
are so cute dang, little balls of fluff. im really addicted to Pomeranians too, they so cute. but i still have my deep love for pugs and my next dog will most definitely be a pug, maybe one with special needs that i could love to death and take care of, especially with my job id be able to afford that and handle it. its just something id love to do if i had the chance. how can you say no to that face? i fell in love from the start with cosmo then rescuing wookie from some white trash hicks who kept her in a horse farm driving 7 hours in the snow through west virginia moutains with my front bumper falling off, had to tie it on when i reached my destination, wookie was so nervous and so little, i loved her so much the second i laid eyes on her picture on the internet. she was worth the 7 hour drive and possibly my life. even though we got pulled over and skidded through the snow, we made it and we had the best time together, sleeping together and waking up to her trying to cuddle. i could cry she was so cute. her and cosmo fighting for my attention and who was gonna sleep in front and back of me. god, i loved my life. what happened? one day ill have that again if its the last thing i do. theres nothing like love from dogs. pugs.
well
its late and ive blogged enough for now. i need to go to bed! im so tired! goodnight and thanks for reading if you did.....
xo
tonight i am at daniels. listening to flight26 on xm (well on the tv). He is in bed sleeping. i dont work tomorrow so i stayed up. got some coffee earlier from dunkin donuts so maybe thats why i feel so awake. and so in the mood to write. i find myself writing ALOT on my phone, and i should update it and put it on here, but..... its a little uncensored. It talks alot of shit and its just anger. i write on my phone when angry. when i want to scream and shout, i put it into words on my sidekick. well, knix that idea, im not gonna be putting any of that for the world to see.
i wish i had a laptop. someone should send me money for one, paypal to indieunderfire@gmail.com if i had a laptop, i would write so much. i would blog 3 to 4 times a day. it would be so amazing. If only.... i could probably afford one soon... next week if i dont spend my money like crazy. i need to budget. when i have money i buy fast food breakfast, 711 snacks and endless stupid shit. i need to stop. i went grocery shopping a little. but soon i need to shop for my new apartment so maybe i could start staying there.
ugh my next chain of thought
im nervous to leave
like... this has become home. my safe haven. ive hidden here for the past year. exactly a year.
its been so fun. obviously so fun that i cant leave. i love laughing at stupid shit. being with "the guys", being with people, being with daniel. i know when i stay at my place i will have to have people over or else ill be alone. and i dont know, i know ill find myself back here. all the time. how do i break a routine i have no desire to break. i know i need to. for me. for him. but it just seems stupid. like why now? who cares. im happy. really, im happy. i could be happier.
um
the google phone comes out on the 22nd. i get paid the 17th. that phone will be mine. are you jealous YET?
look at it!! its like iphone. maybe better? im not sure yet and not really concerned about comparison, i just want it!! all mine pretty puhlease. and also taking my ipod to get fixed soon too so that'd be sweet, so my new technology purchases for the next month include this phone, new ipod (well covered in warranty so its not a purchase but a given), new cd player in my car, and well thats it really. but thats alotta tech at once, right?? ha i love it. im feeling pretty stoked on life. got nothing really bringing me down. working a good amount of hours, it rules. getting good paychecks. being able to afford life and pretty soon pay off debts, im taking donations, like a said! read up for my email for that shit. ha. doesnt hurt to ask, you know? we are all needy people these days. im so excited to get my life on "track" you know? i want control, and life and fresh air, and smiling faces, and no more anger.work is going really good. im enjoying the hell out of it. i see alot of animals throughout the day, i guess i start to define people by their pets. basically i have no respect for a person who cant control their own dog. there's just something wrong with that. i was never an expert on dogs but damn, my dogs were well behaved. little cosmo and wookie. i loved them. and they were good. but yea, i love seeing dogs and kitties all day. the other day i was playing with petsmarts dwarf hamsters, they are about the cutest fucking thing ive ever seen. im gonna buy one for kylee as a pet. once i get a little ahead financially, but yea. if you ever get a chance to hold one, you will die! i guess i hate mice and rats and shit, but these things
are so cute dang, little balls of fluff. im really addicted to Pomeranians too, they so cute. but i still have my deep love for pugs and my next dog will most definitely be a pug, maybe one with special needs that i could love to death and take care of, especially with my job id be able to afford that and handle it. its just something id love to do if i had the chance. how can you say no to that face? i fell in love from the start with cosmo then rescuing wookie from some white trash hicks who kept her in a horse farm driving 7 hours in the snow through west virginia moutains with my front bumper falling off, had to tie it on when i reached my destination, wookie was so nervous and so little, i loved her so much the second i laid eyes on her picture on the internet. she was worth the 7 hour drive and possibly my life. even though we got pulled over and skidded through the snow, we made it and we had the best time together, sleeping together and waking up to her trying to cuddle. i could cry she was so cute. her and cosmo fighting for my attention and who was gonna sleep in front and back of me. god, i loved my life. what happened? one day ill have that again if its the last thing i do. theres nothing like love from dogs. pugs.well
its late and ive blogged enough for now. i need to go to bed! im so tired! goodnight and thanks for reading if you did.....
xo
Thursday, September 4, 2008
my plans
pretty soon, im gonna do a tell-all blog about my experience in the whole "porn" thang. obviously if you know me, you know im not into that at all, it was a one time deal "once in a lifetime" "get it over with" "gotta do at least ONE time" kind of thing. and well, im gonna open my mouth and talk about the whole thing. every last good and bad thing. even about the people. im just going to be honest, not hurtful, and truthful, not dramatic. This was real life. and to me, it was like a dream... like that didnt really just happen. I had fun though. and it was an experience ill never ever forget. so yea, when i get some free time, i will tell it all. front to start. the REAL story. its unnervingly stupid and awkward and weird and somewhat scary and funny as shit. right now, i miss it. i miss the people most of all. the people who were my friends. "friends". were they ever really my friends? I dont know and dont really care. Im gonna figure it out...
...till next time
...till next time
Thursday, August 28, 2008
okay let me start over
i dont really remember what wrote in my last blog. um i dont know what i said or what i didnt say, what you know or dont know. listening to xm flight26. got rid of the volkswagon beetle. that car was nothing but trouble, and i wouldnt recommend a vw to anyone. i think they are all horrible cars and hate people. ha so anyway, im driving my sisters old car, a green 97 toyota camry with 172k miles on it. i dont even care. i love it. its a "piece" and thats what i need. something that doesnt stress me out or doesnt start or is weird. that car sucked so bad.
new apartment. moved out with bryan redmon. its such a cute place. my bedroom is so little and adorable with a huge closet! gonna get my bed on saturday, isnt it cute!!! from ikeaa. im stoked.
its gonna be weird living without daniel. he was my everything. my shoulder to cry and lean on. he knew everything. i dont know. its better this way. i dont really want to talk about this here anyways. so... i was suppose to go to work at 10, but i got called in to come later at 2, so thats cool, im just hanging out. gonna go to my moms work in a few, get some gas, but thats not till 1, and its only like 1030. i dont know what to do im boooored. dis is what my car looks like
not bad huhhh? im silly. have a good day
new apartment. moved out with bryan redmon. its such a cute place. my bedroom is so little and adorable with a huge closet! gonna get my bed on saturday, isnt it cute!!! from ikeaa. im stoked.
its gonna be weird living without daniel. he was my everything. my shoulder to cry and lean on. he knew everything. i dont know. its better this way. i dont really want to talk about this here anyways. so... i was suppose to go to work at 10, but i got called in to come later at 2, so thats cool, im just hanging out. gonna go to my moms work in a few, get some gas, but thats not till 1, and its only like 1030. i dont know what to do im boooored. dis is what my car looks likenot bad huhhh? im silly. have a good day
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
its been a while since anything really. i moved out. a nice place, 3rd floor penthouse. 22nd and n.calvert. with my friend bryan redmon. im super stoked. havent slept there yet, still eery about the idea of sleeping alone again. i dont know. i always slept alone forever. until daniel. everything until daniel. i cant wait to start over. maybe this is all i need. to get ahead. to get to know me a little better. make friends. live. be 22. i dont feel like im living these days. i just dont feel like it. waiting o chinese food to show up, food is so good. got some orange chicken. gonna watch a family guy episode and eat eat eat. i love life. so much is going on. next thing i need is a laptop, 100%. someone help me with that! ha.
if you could change anything about me what would it be. i really dont want you to leave a comment stating your answer, just think about it. and laugh because ha, i made you think about me. weird. i feel weird. life is crazy. google is crazy. who am i? who are you. did you know there is no future or past, theres only like... right this second? like.... the future is not controlled by you at all so theres really no point in thinking about it or getting stressed out, everyday is different, every morning the sky looks a little bluer, a little clearer, and with each passing day we learn something new.
i have lost my mind just yet. i just havent written in a while and it feels weird to just talk about nonsense. daniel got a scooter. he's taken me on two rides so far and they are the best ever. just riding through the city, all the way downtown, just riding. forever. the wind gets cold. it just feels so freeing to be out there. i love every second of it. next summer= scooter??? maybe! why nooottt. oh so fuck my volkswagen in like 2 days im getting a toyota camry, ftw. im fucking STOKED. i just wanna drive legally, again. hahaha i want everything to be legal and i need to pay off my debts and where the hell is chinese man?
waiting on my food
it seems like forever. byeeee
if you could change anything about me what would it be. i really dont want you to leave a comment stating your answer, just think about it. and laugh because ha, i made you think about me. weird. i feel weird. life is crazy. google is crazy. who am i? who are you. did you know there is no future or past, theres only like... right this second? like.... the future is not controlled by you at all so theres really no point in thinking about it or getting stressed out, everyday is different, every morning the sky looks a little bluer, a little clearer, and with each passing day we learn something new.
i have lost my mind just yet. i just havent written in a while and it feels weird to just talk about nonsense. daniel got a scooter. he's taken me on two rides so far and they are the best ever. just riding through the city, all the way downtown, just riding. forever. the wind gets cold. it just feels so freeing to be out there. i love every second of it. next summer= scooter??? maybe! why nooottt. oh so fuck my volkswagen in like 2 days im getting a toyota camry, ftw. im fucking STOKED. i just wanna drive legally, again. hahaha i want everything to be legal and i need to pay off my debts and where the hell is chinese man?
waiting on my food
it seems like forever. byeeee
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