wish you would leave me alone

my life is awesome. i dont mean to brag but maybe its worth bragging about. i brag because it still doesnt make me happy, something is missing. somethings not right. but heres the ups, the best, the good, the awesome. i have an awesome job. i got an awesome tax refund. i drive an awesome car. i have the cutest dog ever. and im about to fly to florida just because im bored and want a vacation. I love how free life can be. i can do whatever i want, at least it feel that way lately. im okay. i like things and i like waking up sometimes. its the falling asleep that sucks.
having money has been awesome. i got to pay some bills. splurge. pretend nothing has a price. happiness does sometimes. i just feel like for the first time in my life, things are going my way and exactly how id like it go. i love everything.


im in love with the idea of being in love and im not waiting anymore. im not searching for a lost cause. im not what everyone says i am. im not as bad as everyone makes me out to be. i just want what everyone wants and that doesnt make me sad.

ive been really enjoying having hayley in my life more often now. ever since she hurt herself she has been staying with me here at daniels apartment. we have so much fun and she also has fun by herself with her toys so it works out real well for both of us. today was the first time i left her home in her crate while i worked, and she did awesome! no accidents or anything. shes sooo cute.


!!!!!

damn im too excited for florida, i leave friday morning. i just bought my flight tonight out of spontanity. i just did it. didnt ask or tell anyone. just got em. then asked my dad to pick me up on friday morning from the airport
fucking awesome.



im ready to go now!!! time is flying too fast i need to slow it on down.

sad enough to say

i think im in love. i think im gonna make it right. i think im gonna go for the gold as they say. i have everything i could ever need, in all actuality. what else am i looking for. why am i always looking for more. why cant it be enough. why do i have to ruin things. i can make it right. i can.

im so confused. i dont know what im doing or if im doing whats right if i even know. what do i know.
im just a dumb little girl
so lost...


im at that point where i no longer know what i want but i know what everyone else wants. my secrets and regrets are killing me. and i just want to let it go and start over. i wanna act like we never met before today.

im just a person begging to be loved too.


maybe this is all a mistake and i should "quit while im ahead"

i wish someone knew the RIGHT thing for ME. enough about everyone else.

cant run, cant turn away

Everything is insane and out of control all the time. i dont know whats going on. who i know what i know. what i do.

im sick of writing the same shit
so basically ive been working a ton, in the midst of still moving out of my apartment and home
its hard to leave
its hard to think of leaving

everything is hard, i need to start over but thats not what i want.
i got nothing. im empty. soul less. angry. bitter.
i feel anger all around me. i could kill someone with my anger sometimes it seems
okay probably not
but still

and i cant control it, it makes me flare up and steam literally feels like its coming out of my ears. it could be anything. heres an example. today at 711, these loud rowdy men came in for drinks and hot dogs and stuff and just being loud and obnoxious. and all i think in a rage is how if they say one word to me i am going to flip out. and i feel my blood boiling. and im ready to take it. im ready to attack if they say ONE thing.
nothing happened and they didnt say anything to me.

but isnt that crazy or absurd? I hate driving now because im angry all the time when im on the road, driver after driver pisses me off. i really can only drive late at night. or like saturdays and sundays. getting off work and driving home is the absolute worst especially if its been a bad stressful day. i could literally total my car.

I am losing my mind, slowly but surely and i see it everyday. What will make me snap?


I miss me. Calm, submissive, quiet Jess.
Now im bluntly rude and a total asshole if i dont like you, and im just ignorant to anyone i choose to dislike. Maybe work brings it out in me. I will straight up hang up on people who try to be dicks. I dont give a fuck about you or your dog or if hes overdue on shots, you treat me like shit i will just hang up. My job teaches me i have no patience. I have actually straight up said "I am not doing this anymore" and walked away from a client once who was trying to play retarded and tell me we are misunderstanding each other, no you're just a fucking bitch.

! I am so mean. And prejudice. to everything. especially girls.

Something triggers this in me. I bet i know what it is. I need it.
why cant i get it?



oh i stretched my ears bigger. haaa im awesome.
i got nothing else to say, i kinda want to go to bed but its too early
i work 7 to 3 tomorrow. super lame. too early.
maybe not.
easy day whatever.
bye

angels and airwaves

the girl at my work got me into angels and airwaves again. i was so into them for a while. i heard they were terrible live so i never had any desire to do that, but damn i couldnt stop listening. they have the best lyrics, so different than anything ive ever listened to. its just my life. over and over. and i feel like everyone who really likes them feels the same. ha

been feeling more and more like a 15 year old girl with curfew, with limitations, with rules. I am 22 years old. thats so crazy. i can do whatever i want. anytime. with anyone. thats crazy. I make my own rules, but i cant help but feel like thats not true. I dont feel free. I dont know. I feel held down, underneath, inprisoned. I feel trapped. Maybe its me. I feel stuck. Like this is all ill ever have. but theres tons of things i want to do. Things i really want to do. I dont feel like they are possible here. not now. not here. I feel glued into this routine. This everyday on and off again routine. The way that i feel is up and down always. Im happy then sad, im excited then angry. It takes almost nothing to change me. Im just a little crazy. I deserve to be alone. I need to be alone. I keep wanting to leave town. Just hide for a bit. Get my big paycheck and bail. Roll out. Dip out. Peace. Haha no i definitely wont do that. Theres no way i could leave all i have, especially my job. Ill be fine. I just got a few quirks to work out. A few twists and grinds to figure out. Im the biggest mystery to myself. Im a puzzle i cant solve. The words i cant make out and the biggest secret ill ever not know. We are crazy. People in general.

So excited for obama. for 2009. ready to make this year about me. me. me. i deserve that more than i think anyone does (and i guess anyone should feel that way about themselves)

Never gonna give up on making my life into what i want. Someday im gonna figure it all out and its gonna be so easy. more easy than i ever thought. and im gonna look back and laugh. Im a pretty funny person anyways. I love me. Like me for me. I do bad shit but so does everyone. So im just average.

i love this luxury life ive been given and somehow i want to throw it all away at the same time.

insane

life is so fucking crazy. absurd and new and interesting and always moving. and its nice to sit back and look at it for that.


now is all we ever always have. right NOW.

we dont own the future or the past

this is how i feel

(:

wasting time

i wrote this on my phone. i love writing on my phone. i was at a starbucks listening to my ipod waiting for my sound system to be installed. these were my thoughts.

12/27
talk about change and why its hard and why it hurts to happen and why nothings ever easy for me. how bad luck is always right around the corner. its in everything I do. everything I say is wrong and confused and no one knows why it happens. I'm destined not for great things, great things don't happen to me. ever. I'm learning to not get my feelings hurt so bad or thinking about any of this or anything bad but it still happens. I can't control myself or any of the way I feel, its like... a thunder. it just hits when you really didn't want it to. its like a rainy summer day when you're off work and all you wanted was a sunny day. but that's not what you get at all. its like being out of gas when you get off work so instead of going right home, you have to stop in the cold and fill up or else? its like, the world knew you didn't have time or it was really the last thing you wanted to do but now you have to because it just happens that way.

I love the way it smells right now. I love people watching and imagining being a part of their conversations or knowing them and being involved in someone elses life. you know when someone walks by and you smell them, that's weird. sort of. I wonder what I smell like. I wonder if my smile makes others smile. I wonder if random acts of kindness really work and kick in and make people repeat. the way it smells. reminds me of home. of catonsville. the woods, the cars ha. life is so inspiring. just sitting here, stopping. I can remember things. I can feel. and I can understand the daily process. more-so today
then any other day. everything just makes sense. everything has a sound. everything has a feeling. a smell. a taste. an emotion. isn't that crazy.
life is so unusual. how we can control it. I'm making my life hell. ME all by myself. i do this
all to myself.

(deleted the rest)

did I somehow want this or make this happen. did I do this? I guess so I mean how else?
dang im crazy!

BEATDOWN IN THE KEY OF HAPPY!

!! i am in love. with life. breathing and just living. This time last year was horrible. i can clearly recall last christmas and how much i wanted to die. how much i wanted to crash my car. crying driving too and from my moms. to and from my sisters. going with daniel to his grandmothers and just wanting to cry. last year at this time i was switching medications and was a total fucking basketcase. who is not to say im not a basketcase now. but still. i was so miserable. just crying. thats all i did was cry. i cant believe i survived really. but i did. merry christmas.

i dont want to dwell anymore and i kinda cant believe i just sat here and dwelled on last year christmas. i guess i feel so lucky im okay. im fine. im happy. i had a nice christmas. got some good presents, well mostly money. daniel got me the google phone. well we are going to get it tomorrow. so fucking fucking fucking excited. i really wanted that. its going to be real nice. daniel is a good gift giver! my bro got me a coffee maker which rules really hard cause im always begging him to make coffee since i didnt have one. so now i doooo and he got me some coffee too! so awesome. I need to start saving my money. like now. im gonna be more careful with what i spend my money on. i just have to.... im about to go fold some laudry, that will give me something to do then maybe i hang out. i hope mandi texts me later so i can go hang out with her that would be nice. then i work 7 to 4 tomorrow grrr... but off on saturday! so its really not that bad at all haha. (: looking forward to going to urban outfitters and getting pants with my christmas money. i need some!

so im going through some changes. trying to make some resolutions and stick to them. my eyes have been opened real wide the past couple of weeks, for no reason except being extremely busy and thinking and working and just living i guess. i want to change. i want to be different. and i think its possible and it shouldnt take too much work at all.

daniel is going out of town for 17 days, leaving on the 1st. its gonna be crazy having the apartment to myself and no one to hang out with. so i guess i figured while hes gone i could find people to hang out with and be more social. maybe if people dont hate me!!

well anyways, im gonna fold laudry now.


byeeeee

letting go

i want to shed and grow and expand and be so much more than all of this. i just got a promotion at my job and it almost feels like i should just start over. i want to move home. to catonsville. ill miss the city. but im sure i will stay sometimes. i always want to start over. always. i have problems i feel would be resolved if i left. im so scared to leave. scared of change.
this is a fact i found out recently
i freak out when i find out something that might change my routine, my comfort level, everything. i hate new things, i hate getting used to something new. i never want change. i love everything the way it is. i must have the personality of a boy or something
christmas is next week
i finished all my xmas shopping but im completely broke.
i hope my paycheck comes on weds instead of thurs cause of the holiday. i need to buy some last minute shit on xmas eve. ugh. so stressed. i hate being stressed out. i wonder what im gonna get for christmas this yearrr. !!! im a little stoked but i never expect much and get more than i wanted.

so the year has come to an end. im in a whole different place emotionally and its mind blowing. im going to look for a blog/writing something that i wrote a year ago this time... one sec...

AWWW so i found this on my myspace blog. i wrote this December 12th 2007, its precious:

"because you said so"

I am a nice girl. Regardless of the choices I have made and the things I have done, I am nice. I slow down on the beltway and let trucks get over if they need to without bitching about it. Only trucks. I hold the door open for everyone. And smile and say thank you if someone holds the door open for me. I cry for people. I have severe sympathy for everyone. I make wishes at 11:11. morning and night. I mostly catch the night one, but its all coincidence, honest! But those wishes never come true and sometimes I think I should give it up, but still something attracts me to look at clocks at 11:11. maybe its not for wishing at all, maybe its bad luck, cause I feel like that's all I have lately. Lots and lots of bad luck. I watch Intervention all the time just because it leads me even closer to believe that there IS good in everyone. EVERYONE. There is a happy story before they ended up where they are. And most of all, they all think they aren't loved and they are alone. But if they were, the word "Intervention" would not exist, right? Because an intervention is a meeting of loved ones telling someone who is rock bottom that they aren't alone and that it doesn't have to be like this. So whatever, there is good in everyone blablabla. Believe it. And I guess my end conclusion to this paragraph would be that even though I might get a little weird, a little crazy, a little loud, a little annoying maybe, im still a nice girl who would do anything for anyone. And that most of all makes ME a good person.

p.s. I wasn't even going to post this but Daniel said I should, so here.

::

So thats pretty cute sort of. i dont know where i was. or how i felt but i guess it was. I dont know. im so uncertain of life. i want my own stuff. i want my OWN apartment. my OWN stuff. my OWN time. my OWN paycheck. I dont know. everything i have is mine. but im borrowing it or it not really mine. i dont know. sometimes i want to be selfish and fall into a hole.

sometimes i dont want to wake up.

bleh. life isnt that bad. im an assistant manager of an animal hospital, i have a roof over my head and a full stomach. a nice phone. a laptop i can use. a nice tv to watch tv from if i want. the cutest car. the best friends.

but im not happy.

I should be, i know i should be. Im missing something. im forgetting something. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. sad.

im going to plan a vacation. i need to get out of here. i need something new. i need an adventure. i need fun and randomness. i need pictures of memories of things done. i need new faces and a story to tell.


vacation shopping, bye.

so

it feels so good

days i wonder

sometimes i wonder, or alot i wonder, how did we end up together. what put you and i in the same room. what made us yearn to kiss. what made us want to be together. i wonder this all the time because



i still feel the same sometimes.

I get second thoughts all the time im second thinking florida. and trying to come up with new solutions to my problems that maybe wouldnt involve moving 1500 miles. maybe i can do this here. home. everyone wants to run, like i want to run. but maybe i shouldnt. i change my mind every minute. every second it changes. im happy then sad. im vulnerable then aggressive. i think i deserve whats mine. and i dont think i get it all. shorted all through life im finally determined to get what belongs to me.

i look at you and i just feel it. you know? i know you dont get it. i dont get it. i dont want to be this way. i dont want to go through this. i wish there was an explanation. a finale. something to end this maybe. my feelings control everything. i dont do anything cause my mind over powers my feelings, everything is done on emotions.

in a couple minutes i wont feel this way.

sick of being a confused little girl. i want to feel confident and sure of myself to know everything will work out. i have no security. no promises. no pen on paper. i just have this. what i know and have. i have no pictures no memories. just this moment. whatever my eyes see. however i feel. theres no way to keep track, just this. if i looked hard enough maybe i could learn to hate. but not today. i dont want what i think i want. what i know i cant have. im running on fumes. exhaust... my own blood you never stop boiling.

if only i could write how i really feel. REALLY feel. the world is so censored. we cease to hurt others feelings and show our true selves. we save it. we bottle it up and send it out to sea. speaking of sea, thats where i wanna be. maybe ill just take a vacation to florida. some sort of time off. time out. stop time. sleep eat relax. for a week. everytime i go to florida, im looking for something. maybe i should stop. stop searching, its all here, home. not there. maybe nothing is there BUT vacation.

today i cried in the shower. its so awkward and almost... weird to just sob naked. with water pouring over you. its like so pathetic it made me cry even harder, like "am i really doing this? right now?"

im such a pathetic person.

what am i waiting for? what are my ambitions and dreams? what do i wish for? what are my hopes and ideas? what are my plans. where am i going . where will i end up. what the hell am i doing. i cant control myself almost. its like.... everything i feel makes me not do the things i want. my nervousness, anxiety, shame, insecurity, it all takes a place at every moment. its easier to sit home and not deal with that. to just feel normal for a bit.



if i stopped complaining, i just realized, id be nothing.

so inspired

to do something. to start over. to get it together. learn me. get to know me. do it for real. i have the opportunity with open hands. and im gonna take it. it might hurt. ill be sad alot. but i plan to get a puppy when i get there or beforehand for the drive down to keep it not so lonely. i think that would be nice. i have so many thoughts. all day. like. do i go? what do i have to do here before i go. how is it gonna work. is my dad gonna give me a room or just a bed. am i going to love it? will i be okay? how am i going to feel. Im more excited than anything. i have no bad thoughts or feelings. i feel like this is something i 100% need to do. i want to learn to live.
start this shit over.

i have so many plans. i want to write. i want to be inspired. i want to give up and give in. i want to say "fuck it" and do it. do what? go. i cant wait to get paid again. im kinda behind at the moment. but i wont be for long.

i have a ton of shit to do. to take care of. things to plan. get in order. and make it real. i feel like im about the make the best decision of my life.

maybe i havent even said what im doing
im taking a transfer of my job and going to a brand new branch opening in Delray Beach florida.
i will be moving in with my dad.
getting the volkswagen back.
pretty much starting over.
theres a ton of things i need to do for myself and my life.
even if i only stay for 6 months
my job here said i am always welcome back if i get home sick or if things dont work out
so what do i have to lose?
seriously.
i miss smoking cigarettes
ive been buying packs lately and smoking them randomly
they make me feel sick
but at the same time SOMETIMES i feel comforted, less stress.
like i said, i feel like im learning about me every single day
what makes me go.
im excited for the drive to florida. i want to make it. no tears, time to be a big girl. im 22 years old and i feel i have nothing to show for it because im in no place. i want to be normal. feel normal.
i cant wait to finish my second sleeve. which i will definitely finish before i go to florida.
jon glessner of course is going to be the main man with it.
ive been into shoulder tattoos
like little scripts
i think i want ..... nevermind i decided not to share

:P

im such a tattoo snob ha

when he cries
i know it




he doesnt even have to say it

lately im alright

and lately im not scared.

so much new stuff. theres always new stuff. im always excited i have stories and dreams and hope and faith of whats to come.
im moving to florida. this time for real. i think.
theres a branch of my job opening like right at my dads house march 21st 2009.
i put in my offer for transfer.
it'll come
and im gonna go.
i have to start over i have to get out of here. this life. this "me" i hate "me". i love me lately. just because im realizing. realization. i need hobbies. i live my own life. im not held down by anyone. if i dont make the move to florida ill never get out of this habit. this lifestyle. this "not me" me.

my thoughts throughout the day are insane. they are confusing. i look in the mirror and i dont see me. sometimes i look at my hands close and i dont know whose hands they are. these eyes that have cried the most, the words that spit the words that shouldve never been spoken. me. myself protecting me. my heart that makes me. my personality. my everything. im so awesome. (like so are you, but like people, you, yourself, should feel cool) cause you hate things. you love things. you get really mad but then you can get really happy. we can make ourselves feel whatever we want. we can control it. sometimes it feels out of control but its always within arms reach.
for the first time
ever
im starting to realize i have to go after what i want
i have to start over to start over
i have to do things that maybe i dont want to do
because i know i will love myself so much more
i can do things with myself and learn about me and take time.
other people are my inspiration
their stories and tears.
britney spears.


i need to learn about me. i dont know anything about me. i dont have a clean bill of health. some days i dont eat. sometimes i cant wake up. sometimes i want to be cleansed. other times i just dont care. why? sometimes i go to bed just to waste time. im tired. but im tired in other senses. im hungry, but for comfort. when my surroundings change or if something major happens, there goes my stomach. everything controls my eating. sometimes
sometimes
i think i have an eating disorder
but i have no body/self image issues.
i adore my body and would actually want to gain weight
i just dont like food
one meal a day is perfect.
but
i have my days where ill get mcdonalds breakfast and a huge boston market dinner complete with cannollis.
im crazy




everything controls me. the weather. the things people say. the music i hear. the traffic. everything. the biggest control i feel over me is time. im trapped in a non stopping clock. its always moving. but its always always moving but for me its faster. i see everything in a time period. an hour to get ready for work doesnt seem reasonable. i need an hour and 10 minutes. a one hour lunch break feels like 20 minutes. then a 9 hour work day feels like 5. i cant accept time for what it is. im a slave to it. i dread it and love it at the same time. love hate relationship with time?

im the most mentally unhealthy person i know.




florida might be just what i need. with a new puppy.
im gonna go puppy searching now

getting angry

you know like, when you get angry over something stupid? like its just the wrong fucking time. a bad joke or something. i sit here and could get easily riled up about a ton of shit that pisses me off. and its uncontrollable. like an urge. a tic. like i just gotta get mad. i bottle up everything. thats my problem. i dont care enough about my life to make a difference. i figure things will get better when they are suppose to get better.
im sick of being around pills. pills. pillheads. everyone doing pills. why cant people grow up. they take anti anxiety/ pain meds to get fucked up. i was on lexapro for 2 years. i can honestly say, no one "wants" to be on pills. normal people, that is. people have to take these things to live their life. to get by. to survive. then you turn it around and abuse it. i guess thats drug abuse. but i see it differently than smoking weed or drinking or cocaine. none of those really do anyone any good, so if you use, you lose. hahahah isnt that what they say? and i guess im one to say.

im going to the ottobar tonight to see my bros band play, im so tired. hungry. exhausted. mad. sad. i have no energy to do anything at all.


fuck the world.

how do i tell you your smile still makes me melt as well as your touch.

growing up

you know like when things just feel different? you just feel different? all the sudden things look different and feel different? what is it? the weather, the surroundings? words spoken or not. am i tired and i angry at something. do i have something on my mind completely not having to do with this? what is wrong. why do i feel indifferent. im sick of doing the same shit day after day. getting out is starting to feel okay. being around people, im trying to get used to it. its like a learning experience. from being hidden, from sneaking away, from being trapped in my bedroom ridden with anxiety. i guess i forgot how it feels to talk and listen, give advice and take it, close your eyes and open them again and just having it not be the same. its everything that factors in this. if only i could relax, turn off, shut down, go on standby of some sort, maybe i could get out of this. i feel fine till the anxiety hits then my body slowly breaks down for a 20 minute period. im tired, angry, sad, discouraged, depressed all at once. and it just HITS. then i think outside of it. like, "soooo you worked today you're gonna be tired" then its like okay im not nervous at all, just tired but its playing off into something else. im so awkward.

ive recently been having people tell me they like me. like.... they like "me" for me and being around me, and im sweet and nice and funny and have a nice smile. where i work i deal with alot of people and since it deals with alot of money and medical care for pets, yea it gets stressful and sometimes people dont understand what they are paying for or why. i see the worst of people when they lose it. and its nice to know sometimes the people call for me, and hope im working the day they bring their pets in, or when people give me compliments because their old and "think" im cute. ive been loving and loving my job more and more just because everyone makes it bareable. they make it worth hanging out overtime or coming in super early and waking up at 5am. sometimes, i really like people and the human race for what it is.

im trying so hard to get to where i want to be. last night i went to my apartment to hang out with my roomate bryan while he wasted time before his girlfriend got home from college for the weekend. we hung out, listened to music, i drank a can of arizona green tea, we laughed and talked and made up crazy (or is it?) ideas for the future. the future is an open door? or window? or something. and its pretty endless and i can make it into anything i want. the only thing is, whats the next step? how do i make it mine. how do i learn to live by me. how do i survive this? there are days i break down and cry and carry on about how i cant go on. how everything is pointless and theres just no reason for anything anymore. i call it my hopeless meltdown. it happens every now and again, the most stupidest song that i listen to everyday would make me cry when it used to make me smile. i hear everything wrong. i cant think because im so far in the dark that theres just no light and everything is crumbling. until i know im not alone. and tomorrow can be better if i want it to. i can change this. and now doesnt have to be the end. and maybe i dont have to feel this way ever again if i dont want to. and then i wake up. im pinched or something just clicks and im okay. the song changed, i saw something happy, and i forget about it. im dazed from the energy i lost from crying but im awake enough to drive. i can come home.

(sorry i have alot on my mind...)

so sick of being alone. and its easy to say "you're not alone." but i am in more ways than one.

is this the start

of a new chapter? a new outcome, future, story, hope, everything. maybe. im stoked obama won the presidency. and i never knew how different we all were till i saw people writing about how they felt about the outcome. i guess in my eyes because i rooted for obama (no i did not vote, long story shory, didnt do absentee ballot bullshit), i believed that everyone who was my friend was gonna vote for him. like, we were all the same. but i was wrong. i mean, i dont care. i just find it kinda funny. but anyways.
lots of stuff going on right now.
i cant even keep my head straight
i just walked to starbucks and back, its beautiful outside .happy november5th. its like 65 degrees and sunny and ugh, i loved the walk. i got realllll tired coming up on the home stretch to the house, but i made it, luckily! i get so nervous around people and like think people are staring at me while im walking and i know, i know im just gonna trip and fall and get up and laugh while my face bleeds to death. thats my worst fear. 100% please dont fall in front of anyone. ive run into poles, sorta tripped, but never fell. (knock on wood)
so my job is going amazing, my schedule works out real well so its not overwhelming, its perfect. im making good money doing what i do, i just love it.

im pretty sure by 2009 everything in my life is going to be worked out.

can we exist

can we change like other things. can we forgive the past. like dogs. i watched that Dog Whisperer show once and he said dogs dont give a crap about the past. they dont remember it. it doesnt affect them and they DO forgive naturally. what if we could? maybe we'd see the world brand new each day. every pain would be a non existent memory. we would only hope for the future and not dwell on the past or what happened. i wouldnt know anxiety. i wouldnt know panic. i wouldnt know sadness or loss or heartache. each day would just "be"
maybe i could live like that
yesterday is gone and the second that just passed, passed and its over. and nothing i will say or do could give it back. hm.... am i doing what i want to do with my seconds? my minutes? my time.
you know like, when you find something new that makes "it" makes the day matter. makes you smile just thinking about it? a song, a drink, a movie, a commercial, a familiar face.
i love my memory. i love "me" and the way i am. im quirky and funny and i think i surprise people every day. when im walking outside "oh ha you going for a smoke break??" "um, i dont smoke" why are you surprised? im over that, smarter than that. i dont know. i miss the concept of smoke break, still looking for ways to have a break.
i dont remember where i was, but i was driving one time i think to catonsville, or home from there, and it was so beautiful, yea it was TO catonsville, i jumped on 95. the baltimore city skyline was so bright against the sunset. it was like breathtaking. all i could think was "wow, i get to call that home" i live nestled within that beauty. im so lucky. i think i take alot of my life for granted. i wish i could learn to love. i live by text messages and expensive drinks from starbucks and only filling up my gas a little in hopes it'll be even lower, in the end i think im losing money in gas... i love hoodies, my car that i dont really care about. i call it my transportation. i dont clean it out, i dont take it to car washes, it runs fine. just fine. my dream is still this.. (googling a picture to place here to show you what i dream about, and dont laugh, im dead serious)yup a 1994 suzuki swift, completely modified simply because the car will cost me only 400$. I know this car inside out, when i get my next one, it will be my fourth. YES. i think i will cry just to sit in one. it has such a meaning for me. suzuki swifts where art thou? i cant find you anywhere, stop hiding in someone garage not being driven. i would sell my toyota in a heartbeat for this .

anyway im too tired, i want ice cream and the computer is running slow and shit. ew. bye

Why

I get my feelings hurt so bad when you do something that doesn't include
me.