my plans

pretty soon, im gonna do a tell-all blog about my experience in the whole "porn" thang. obviously if you know me, you know im not into that at all, it was a one time deal "once in a lifetime" "get it over with" "gotta do at least ONE time" kind of thing. and well, im gonna open my mouth and talk about the whole thing. every last good and bad thing. even about the people. im just going to be honest, not hurtful, and truthful, not dramatic. This was real life. and to me, it was like a dream... like that didnt really just happen. I had fun though. and it was an experience ill never ever forget. so yea, when i get some free time, i will tell it all. front to start. the REAL story. its unnervingly stupid and awkward and weird and somewhat scary and funny as shit. right now, i miss it. i miss the people most of all. the people who were my friends. "friends". were they ever really my friends? I dont know and dont really care. Im gonna figure it out...


...till next time

okay let me start over

i dont really remember what wrote in my last blog. um i dont know what i said or what i didnt say, what you know or dont know. listening to xm flight26. got rid of the volkswagon beetle. that car was nothing but trouble, and i wouldnt recommend a vw to anyone. i think they are all horrible cars and hate people. ha so anyway, im driving my sisters old car, a green 97 toyota camry with 172k miles on it. i dont even care. i love it. its a "piece" and thats what i need. something that doesnt stress me out or doesnt start or is weird. that car sucked so bad.
new apartment. moved out with bryan redmon. its such a cute place. my bedroom is so little and adorable with a huge closet! gonna get my bed on saturday, isnt it cute!!! from ikeaa. im stoked.
its gonna be weird living without daniel. he was my everything. my shoulder to cry and lean on. he knew everything. i dont know. its better this way. i dont really want to talk about this here anyways. so... i was suppose to go to work at 10, but i got called in to come later at 2, so thats cool, im just hanging out. gonna go to my moms work in a few, get some gas, but thats not till 1, and its only like 1030. i dont know what to do im boooored. dis is what my car looks like
not bad huhhh? im silly. have a good day

its been a while since anything really. i moved out. a nice place, 3rd floor penthouse. 22nd and n.calvert. with my friend bryan redmon. im super stoked. havent slept there yet, still eery about the idea of sleeping alone again. i dont know. i always slept alone forever. until daniel. everything until daniel. i cant wait to start over. maybe this is all i need. to get ahead. to get to know me a little better. make friends. live. be 22. i dont feel like im living these days. i just dont feel like it. waiting o chinese food to show up, food is so good. got some orange chicken. gonna watch a family guy episode and eat eat eat. i love life. so much is going on. next thing i need is a laptop, 100%. someone help me with that! ha.
if you could change anything about me what would it be. i really dont want you to leave a comment stating your answer, just think about it. and laugh because ha, i made you think about me. weird. i feel weird. life is crazy. google is crazy. who am i? who are you. did you know there is no future or past, theres only like... right this second? like.... the future is not controlled by you at all so theres really no point in thinking about it or getting stressed out, everyday is different, every morning the sky looks a little bluer, a little clearer, and with each passing day we learn something new.

i have lost my mind just yet. i just havent written in a while and it feels weird to just talk about nonsense. daniel got a scooter. he's taken me on two rides so far and they are the best ever. just riding through the city, all the way downtown, just riding. forever. the wind gets cold. it just feels so freeing to be out there. i love every second of it. next summer= scooter??? maybe! why nooottt. oh so fuck my volkswagen in like 2 days im getting a toyota camry, ftw. im fucking STOKED. i just wanna drive legally, again. hahaha i want everything to be legal and i need to pay off my debts and where the hell is chinese man?

waiting on my food

it seems like forever. byeeee

scared

its 1230 a.m. i told everyone i went to bed. im not in bed. im at this computer, okay i WAS in bed but i had to write. Right now writing is whats going to save me. Not a pill. Not a person. Not a thing. Just expression. It will fix me.
Lately i feel like my life passed me by. I find photos of me happy, i remember how i felt, i remember how the air felt, how the cigarettes i was smoking felt, i remember how my mom made me feel, how kylee made me feel when she would show up. I remember when my best friend would pull up, how excited i would feel. The excitement that someone cared and wanted to spend time with me. I dont feel like anyone wants to spend time with me. I feel like a burden. a sort of cold shoulder you dont want around. I know im a happy person when i can be, but sometimes i just feel like when i talk, when i come around, when i walk in a room, "oh theres jess, time to listen to all her problems". But in a way. Thats not me, thats never been me. Just recently. I guess writing it down prevents me having to throw it in anyones face or ask for help. I cant ask for help anymore. The answer was within me all along. The solution. The quick fix. Is me. No one can do it but me. but why do i feel like maybe if someone were holding my hand, it would hurt just a little less. If someone could go through this with me arm in arm, it'd feel a little better. It would sting a little less. I would be able to keep my balance a little more. I lose my balance a little more than others, and that's only in my head. In all seriousness, i think when you see me, you know im not together. Something shows. I look a little worn down, a little tired, a little used? How do i look to you all?


I want something new. Anything. I am going to go to bed now.

imipramine

scares me so bad, i keep reading about it on the internet and i cant believe that shit is in my body. there is something in my body that could seriously harm me if i were to get pregnant?? I mean dont get me wrong, i am not trying to have no kid, but the fact is that there is something unnatural in me that if my live were to form another life, that life would be fucked up. FUCKED UP because i cant handle the fact that i might cry a little more than other, that i might get a little nervous more than the average person. Well im not doing it anymore. Tonight i will take 1 pill. Last night i took 2, it sure beats the 3. I can already feel the difference in my heart. My heart doesnt hurt. Its not beating too slow. Its not functioning below normal. Its beating fine. I was outside doing yard work and my heart felt fine. I need all the support i can get, i can tell i might not feel like myself for the next week, but at least i have this blogger to keep writing. It will keep my head up and i know i will feel like shit but like daniel said, i can just smoke weed whenever i feel like shit! Ha! So im going to be non medicated for the first time since like 2002? I am so fucking excited. i want to feel pure. i dont want to feel like shit because of some medication ive been on. i dont want to be tired because of something thats suppose to keep me happy, thats not even doing that in the first place? What the fuck is the point. What am i waiting for? One day its just going to work? No. Its been 3 months since ive been on this medication, yea the anxiety is gone, like ive said, but the medication has nothing in it for anxiety, strictly an antidepressant (or for bedwetting in children, again, wtf?????) So if my anxiety is subsided on this med, im just a little more sad than usual, what could happen if i get off? Be sad? Fuck that. I will know what i feel is pure and "me" i will know that i can solely control it and that if i do something to change it, it will change, and theres not gonna be something inside me that is holding me back or only letting me get to a certain level. i want real happiness for the first time in 7 years. I want to feel something real. I want to love. I want to live. I want to hope. I want to sleep and sleep. I want to dream and wake up and not feel sluggish. I want to run and not be out of breath. I want to smile and know its true. I want to feel warm in my heart. I want to feel my legs move when i walk, and not be scared to trip, i want to control every aspect of my own life for once. I want it to be mine.

Today i read this:
I could never know how to love if i didnt know heartache first
id never know the value of life without the pain of my death
i couldnt appreciate peace if it werent for suffering
i would never be healed if i wasnt broken to begin with.....

how inspirational is that? I feel so great. I feel so pure and the air in my lungs is clear. Okay maybe the air is a little hazy from the blunt i just put out but still, it feels fresh. It doesnt burn or ache to breathe, the heart doesnt hurt to beat. the hands to sting to type. the eyes dont melt to see. the smile comes easy and the words are flowing freely right from my mind onto this page? website? blog?

everything feels okay. i can feel myself a little more. how weird the human body is again. Ha! i yearn to drive. really fast. i want to hit 100mph and have the music so loud surrounding me. I want to feel invincible like nothing can touch me. Nothing can touch me now. Im only sad because i want to be sad. I dont have to be, but its so easy. To just break.... you feel the crumble? you ever feel that "letting go" of breaking down? Its such a relief. and its like the tears fall exactly where you wish they wouldnt, all over your lap. And they flow and flow without you having to blink. Where is all this water coming from? How can a little person like me make all these tears? Isnt that funny? Where is it stored at? Do you gain/lose weight the more you cry? Like water weight? Is that absurd? Haha i think its funny. Tears, salt water, we make salt water. Its been a while since ive tasted my tears. They just havent made it to my lips as of lately. They seem to fall right off my face. I also find myself, after a good cry, just smiling. Just sitting back and saying "so what?" What is crying going to fix? Everything wrong will still be gone, maybe ill get some sympathy and it helps but in the end it doesnt fix the problems. I almost laugh at myself for how silly i can be. All the time ive wasted crying when i most likely could have been laughing or smiling or loving. I always picked crying. I like to pick things out i know will make me cry and blow them up and amplify it and let it tear me apart. I can take anything anyone says and turn it into something that hurts my feelings. I feel when i care a little less. If i make myself, force myself to just not give a shit, it hurts less. I smile because i cannot believe i dont care. I know im suppose to, and i dont! But, its not real. It hurts in the end. In the end when im alone, or when i break down, i bring it all up. "i said i was okay, but i wasnt"

"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing..."
"Tell me about nothing."

How perfect. What a perfect response. Nothing means something. Something but we dont know how to start. Its like saying out of nowhere "Im going to say what color the sky is, but you reply with a number" I feel like im about to announce something that you will be like "Where the hell did that come from" It seems like such a mystery. Something so wrong. Things that bother me, i fear they bother everything else. I know it shows on my face. You always know. Nothing means everything. Like the little nothings mean everything to me. Its exactly the same way. I think i figured it out. Maybe not entirely but im working hard to figure myself out. Learn about me. What makes ME tick. What I want. What I need for myself. Some sort of independence. some stability couldnt hurt. a little love. some help. encouragement. most of all, a good time. I just want to always be happy and keep a smile on my face, maybe it will become some sort of habit? I cant wait to get off my medicine for real. I am so excited for the future.

I think i am about to run out and get some food from somewhere, royal farms or 711 not really sure yet. Tomorrow ill be home all day so i gotta get some snacks to eat. At like 430 i gotta get my car towed to vw and my friend rob is going to fix it for me. 200$. Ughhh. Ill never get ahead, but i cant let it get me down. No no no. Gotta keep on moving.

Happy Monday everyone.

i am so lucky.
my words do not go unread. i have the ability to put a smile on someones face. i can control someone elses emotions. i have my friends. i have everyone. i have people to be there for me, people who want to spend time with me. why cant i be socially perfect and know exactly what to say all the time and be able to hang out with people and not ever have things feel awkward? I wish i knew what to say all the time to make things right. to make things fun. i want to be fun i want to be that person that i wish i could be. i want to be someone completely different. sometimes the things i feel, i get angry about. i get mad at myself for feeling jealous, sad, depressed, crazy. I get mad. Its almost like my body and my mind are two different things then my mind is split up. So its like there are 4 quarters that somehow have to match. what the fuck am i talking about. the head has good and bad and then the physical has good and bad. but the good on the mind and physical almost never meet up. ill feel good in my head then unwell in my body. i just want to feel great all the time. i want to walk to starbucks tonight. i dont want to sit here. i want to get out. i am so sick of sitting around all the time.
but what the hell do i want to do? im sitting here just writing these words of things i wish i could do, things i wish i could feel, and the reason i dont feel them is because i am in this house and not outside doing the things that would make me feel the way i want to. why arent i going out? oh yea, i dont have a car




i wish my life was different all the time.

last night i decided i was sick of the way my meds make me feel. like seriously SICK OF IT. so instead of taking 3 pills i took 2. and in 2 days ill take just one. one should be fine. i really just cant do it anymore. i have no anxiety which is a good thing but i have no energy to go out. no energy to want to do anything. im tired all the time. and its not fair.
today will be an alright day. i dont have a car. me and tim are suppose to be going up to american apparel so i can apply for a job!! (fingers crossed!!! its a back stock job which is REALLY what i want to do, no retail bullshit selling things ha) Okay so its not really what i "want" to do in life but i need a second job and im not looking for a career. i am 21 years old. i can worry about a career in a couple years. Im not going to stress myself! I can have 2 easy part time jobs and ill enjoy myself and still have money and ill be happy.


Hey im not writing about it because i dont want to bum myself out.



Im getting my car fixed hopefully today!!!!