wasting time

i wrote this on my phone. i love writing on my phone. i was at a starbucks listening to my ipod waiting for my sound system to be installed. these were my thoughts.

12/27
talk about change and why its hard and why it hurts to happen and why nothings ever easy for me. how bad luck is always right around the corner. its in everything I do. everything I say is wrong and confused and no one knows why it happens. I'm destined not for great things, great things don't happen to me. ever. I'm learning to not get my feelings hurt so bad or thinking about any of this or anything bad but it still happens. I can't control myself or any of the way I feel, its like... a thunder. it just hits when you really didn't want it to. its like a rainy summer day when you're off work and all you wanted was a sunny day. but that's not what you get at all. its like being out of gas when you get off work so instead of going right home, you have to stop in the cold and fill up or else? its like, the world knew you didn't have time or it was really the last thing you wanted to do but now you have to because it just happens that way.

I love the way it smells right now. I love people watching and imagining being a part of their conversations or knowing them and being involved in someone elses life. you know when someone walks by and you smell them, that's weird. sort of. I wonder what I smell like. I wonder if my smile makes others smile. I wonder if random acts of kindness really work and kick in and make people repeat. the way it smells. reminds me of home. of catonsville. the woods, the cars ha. life is so inspiring. just sitting here, stopping. I can remember things. I can feel. and I can understand the daily process. more-so today
then any other day. everything just makes sense. everything has a sound. everything has a feeling. a smell. a taste. an emotion. isn't that crazy.
life is so unusual. how we can control it. I'm making my life hell. ME all by myself. i do this
all to myself.

(deleted the rest)

did I somehow want this or make this happen. did I do this? I guess so I mean how else?
dang im crazy!

BEATDOWN IN THE KEY OF HAPPY!

!! i am in love. with life. breathing and just living. This time last year was horrible. i can clearly recall last christmas and how much i wanted to die. how much i wanted to crash my car. crying driving too and from my moms. to and from my sisters. going with daniel to his grandmothers and just wanting to cry. last year at this time i was switching medications and was a total fucking basketcase. who is not to say im not a basketcase now. but still. i was so miserable. just crying. thats all i did was cry. i cant believe i survived really. but i did. merry christmas.

i dont want to dwell anymore and i kinda cant believe i just sat here and dwelled on last year christmas. i guess i feel so lucky im okay. im fine. im happy. i had a nice christmas. got some good presents, well mostly money. daniel got me the google phone. well we are going to get it tomorrow. so fucking fucking fucking excited. i really wanted that. its going to be real nice. daniel is a good gift giver! my bro got me a coffee maker which rules really hard cause im always begging him to make coffee since i didnt have one. so now i doooo and he got me some coffee too! so awesome. I need to start saving my money. like now. im gonna be more careful with what i spend my money on. i just have to.... im about to go fold some laudry, that will give me something to do then maybe i hang out. i hope mandi texts me later so i can go hang out with her that would be nice. then i work 7 to 4 tomorrow grrr... but off on saturday! so its really not that bad at all haha. (: looking forward to going to urban outfitters and getting pants with my christmas money. i need some!

so im going through some changes. trying to make some resolutions and stick to them. my eyes have been opened real wide the past couple of weeks, for no reason except being extremely busy and thinking and working and just living i guess. i want to change. i want to be different. and i think its possible and it shouldnt take too much work at all.

daniel is going out of town for 17 days, leaving on the 1st. its gonna be crazy having the apartment to myself and no one to hang out with. so i guess i figured while hes gone i could find people to hang out with and be more social. maybe if people dont hate me!!

well anyways, im gonna fold laudry now.


byeeeee

letting go

i want to shed and grow and expand and be so much more than all of this. i just got a promotion at my job and it almost feels like i should just start over. i want to move home. to catonsville. ill miss the city. but im sure i will stay sometimes. i always want to start over. always. i have problems i feel would be resolved if i left. im so scared to leave. scared of change.
this is a fact i found out recently
i freak out when i find out something that might change my routine, my comfort level, everything. i hate new things, i hate getting used to something new. i never want change. i love everything the way it is. i must have the personality of a boy or something
christmas is next week
i finished all my xmas shopping but im completely broke.
i hope my paycheck comes on weds instead of thurs cause of the holiday. i need to buy some last minute shit on xmas eve. ugh. so stressed. i hate being stressed out. i wonder what im gonna get for christmas this yearrr. !!! im a little stoked but i never expect much and get more than i wanted.

so the year has come to an end. im in a whole different place emotionally and its mind blowing. im going to look for a blog/writing something that i wrote a year ago this time... one sec...

AWWW so i found this on my myspace blog. i wrote this December 12th 2007, its precious:

"because you said so"

I am a nice girl. Regardless of the choices I have made and the things I have done, I am nice. I slow down on the beltway and let trucks get over if they need to without bitching about it. Only trucks. I hold the door open for everyone. And smile and say thank you if someone holds the door open for me. I cry for people. I have severe sympathy for everyone. I make wishes at 11:11. morning and night. I mostly catch the night one, but its all coincidence, honest! But those wishes never come true and sometimes I think I should give it up, but still something attracts me to look at clocks at 11:11. maybe its not for wishing at all, maybe its bad luck, cause I feel like that's all I have lately. Lots and lots of bad luck. I watch Intervention all the time just because it leads me even closer to believe that there IS good in everyone. EVERYONE. There is a happy story before they ended up where they are. And most of all, they all think they aren't loved and they are alone. But if they were, the word "Intervention" would not exist, right? Because an intervention is a meeting of loved ones telling someone who is rock bottom that they aren't alone and that it doesn't have to be like this. So whatever, there is good in everyone blablabla. Believe it. And I guess my end conclusion to this paragraph would be that even though I might get a little weird, a little crazy, a little loud, a little annoying maybe, im still a nice girl who would do anything for anyone. And that most of all makes ME a good person.

p.s. I wasn't even going to post this but Daniel said I should, so here.

::

So thats pretty cute sort of. i dont know where i was. or how i felt but i guess it was. I dont know. im so uncertain of life. i want my own stuff. i want my OWN apartment. my OWN stuff. my OWN time. my OWN paycheck. I dont know. everything i have is mine. but im borrowing it or it not really mine. i dont know. sometimes i want to be selfish and fall into a hole.

sometimes i dont want to wake up.

bleh. life isnt that bad. im an assistant manager of an animal hospital, i have a roof over my head and a full stomach. a nice phone. a laptop i can use. a nice tv to watch tv from if i want. the cutest car. the best friends.

but im not happy.

I should be, i know i should be. Im missing something. im forgetting something. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. i dont know how to live. sad.

im going to plan a vacation. i need to get out of here. i need something new. i need an adventure. i need fun and randomness. i need pictures of memories of things done. i need new faces and a story to tell.


vacation shopping, bye.

so

it feels so good

days i wonder

sometimes i wonder, or alot i wonder, how did we end up together. what put you and i in the same room. what made us yearn to kiss. what made us want to be together. i wonder this all the time because



i still feel the same sometimes.

I get second thoughts all the time im second thinking florida. and trying to come up with new solutions to my problems that maybe wouldnt involve moving 1500 miles. maybe i can do this here. home. everyone wants to run, like i want to run. but maybe i shouldnt. i change my mind every minute. every second it changes. im happy then sad. im vulnerable then aggressive. i think i deserve whats mine. and i dont think i get it all. shorted all through life im finally determined to get what belongs to me.

i look at you and i just feel it. you know? i know you dont get it. i dont get it. i dont want to be this way. i dont want to go through this. i wish there was an explanation. a finale. something to end this maybe. my feelings control everything. i dont do anything cause my mind over powers my feelings, everything is done on emotions.

in a couple minutes i wont feel this way.

sick of being a confused little girl. i want to feel confident and sure of myself to know everything will work out. i have no security. no promises. no pen on paper. i just have this. what i know and have. i have no pictures no memories. just this moment. whatever my eyes see. however i feel. theres no way to keep track, just this. if i looked hard enough maybe i could learn to hate. but not today. i dont want what i think i want. what i know i cant have. im running on fumes. exhaust... my own blood you never stop boiling.

if only i could write how i really feel. REALLY feel. the world is so censored. we cease to hurt others feelings and show our true selves. we save it. we bottle it up and send it out to sea. speaking of sea, thats where i wanna be. maybe ill just take a vacation to florida. some sort of time off. time out. stop time. sleep eat relax. for a week. everytime i go to florida, im looking for something. maybe i should stop. stop searching, its all here, home. not there. maybe nothing is there BUT vacation.

today i cried in the shower. its so awkward and almost... weird to just sob naked. with water pouring over you. its like so pathetic it made me cry even harder, like "am i really doing this? right now?"

im such a pathetic person.

what am i waiting for? what are my ambitions and dreams? what do i wish for? what are my hopes and ideas? what are my plans. where am i going . where will i end up. what the hell am i doing. i cant control myself almost. its like.... everything i feel makes me not do the things i want. my nervousness, anxiety, shame, insecurity, it all takes a place at every moment. its easier to sit home and not deal with that. to just feel normal for a bit.



if i stopped complaining, i just realized, id be nothing.

so inspired

to do something. to start over. to get it together. learn me. get to know me. do it for real. i have the opportunity with open hands. and im gonna take it. it might hurt. ill be sad alot. but i plan to get a puppy when i get there or beforehand for the drive down to keep it not so lonely. i think that would be nice. i have so many thoughts. all day. like. do i go? what do i have to do here before i go. how is it gonna work. is my dad gonna give me a room or just a bed. am i going to love it? will i be okay? how am i going to feel. Im more excited than anything. i have no bad thoughts or feelings. i feel like this is something i 100% need to do. i want to learn to live.
start this shit over.

i have so many plans. i want to write. i want to be inspired. i want to give up and give in. i want to say "fuck it" and do it. do what? go. i cant wait to get paid again. im kinda behind at the moment. but i wont be for long.

i have a ton of shit to do. to take care of. things to plan. get in order. and make it real. i feel like im about the make the best decision of my life.

maybe i havent even said what im doing
im taking a transfer of my job and going to a brand new branch opening in Delray Beach florida.
i will be moving in with my dad.
getting the volkswagen back.
pretty much starting over.
theres a ton of things i need to do for myself and my life.
even if i only stay for 6 months
my job here said i am always welcome back if i get home sick or if things dont work out
so what do i have to lose?
seriously.
i miss smoking cigarettes
ive been buying packs lately and smoking them randomly
they make me feel sick
but at the same time SOMETIMES i feel comforted, less stress.
like i said, i feel like im learning about me every single day
what makes me go.
im excited for the drive to florida. i want to make it. no tears, time to be a big girl. im 22 years old and i feel i have nothing to show for it because im in no place. i want to be normal. feel normal.
i cant wait to finish my second sleeve. which i will definitely finish before i go to florida.
jon glessner of course is going to be the main man with it.
ive been into shoulder tattoos
like little scripts
i think i want ..... nevermind i decided not to share

:P

im such a tattoo snob ha

when he cries
i know it




he doesnt even have to say it

lately im alright

and lately im not scared.

so much new stuff. theres always new stuff. im always excited i have stories and dreams and hope and faith of whats to come.
im moving to florida. this time for real. i think.
theres a branch of my job opening like right at my dads house march 21st 2009.
i put in my offer for transfer.
it'll come
and im gonna go.
i have to start over i have to get out of here. this life. this "me" i hate "me". i love me lately. just because im realizing. realization. i need hobbies. i live my own life. im not held down by anyone. if i dont make the move to florida ill never get out of this habit. this lifestyle. this "not me" me.

my thoughts throughout the day are insane. they are confusing. i look in the mirror and i dont see me. sometimes i look at my hands close and i dont know whose hands they are. these eyes that have cried the most, the words that spit the words that shouldve never been spoken. me. myself protecting me. my heart that makes me. my personality. my everything. im so awesome. (like so are you, but like people, you, yourself, should feel cool) cause you hate things. you love things. you get really mad but then you can get really happy. we can make ourselves feel whatever we want. we can control it. sometimes it feels out of control but its always within arms reach.
for the first time
ever
im starting to realize i have to go after what i want
i have to start over to start over
i have to do things that maybe i dont want to do
because i know i will love myself so much more
i can do things with myself and learn about me and take time.
other people are my inspiration
their stories and tears.
britney spears.


i need to learn about me. i dont know anything about me. i dont have a clean bill of health. some days i dont eat. sometimes i cant wake up. sometimes i want to be cleansed. other times i just dont care. why? sometimes i go to bed just to waste time. im tired. but im tired in other senses. im hungry, but for comfort. when my surroundings change or if something major happens, there goes my stomach. everything controls my eating. sometimes
sometimes
i think i have an eating disorder
but i have no body/self image issues.
i adore my body and would actually want to gain weight
i just dont like food
one meal a day is perfect.
but
i have my days where ill get mcdonalds breakfast and a huge boston market dinner complete with cannollis.
im crazy




everything controls me. the weather. the things people say. the music i hear. the traffic. everything. the biggest control i feel over me is time. im trapped in a non stopping clock. its always moving. but its always always moving but for me its faster. i see everything in a time period. an hour to get ready for work doesnt seem reasonable. i need an hour and 10 minutes. a one hour lunch break feels like 20 minutes. then a 9 hour work day feels like 5. i cant accept time for what it is. im a slave to it. i dread it and love it at the same time. love hate relationship with time?

im the most mentally unhealthy person i know.




florida might be just what i need. with a new puppy.
im gonna go puppy searching now