scared

its 1230 a.m. i told everyone i went to bed. im not in bed. im at this computer, okay i WAS in bed but i had to write. Right now writing is whats going to save me. Not a pill. Not a person. Not a thing. Just expression. It will fix me.
Lately i feel like my life passed me by. I find photos of me happy, i remember how i felt, i remember how the air felt, how the cigarettes i was smoking felt, i remember how my mom made me feel, how kylee made me feel when she would show up. I remember when my best friend would pull up, how excited i would feel. The excitement that someone cared and wanted to spend time with me. I dont feel like anyone wants to spend time with me. I feel like a burden. a sort of cold shoulder you dont want around. I know im a happy person when i can be, but sometimes i just feel like when i talk, when i come around, when i walk in a room, "oh theres jess, time to listen to all her problems". But in a way. Thats not me, thats never been me. Just recently. I guess writing it down prevents me having to throw it in anyones face or ask for help. I cant ask for help anymore. The answer was within me all along. The solution. The quick fix. Is me. No one can do it but me. but why do i feel like maybe if someone were holding my hand, it would hurt just a little less. If someone could go through this with me arm in arm, it'd feel a little better. It would sting a little less. I would be able to keep my balance a little more. I lose my balance a little more than others, and that's only in my head. In all seriousness, i think when you see me, you know im not together. Something shows. I look a little worn down, a little tired, a little used? How do i look to you all?


I want something new. Anything. I am going to go to bed now.

imipramine

scares me so bad, i keep reading about it on the internet and i cant believe that shit is in my body. there is something in my body that could seriously harm me if i were to get pregnant?? I mean dont get me wrong, i am not trying to have no kid, but the fact is that there is something unnatural in me that if my live were to form another life, that life would be fucked up. FUCKED UP because i cant handle the fact that i might cry a little more than other, that i might get a little nervous more than the average person. Well im not doing it anymore. Tonight i will take 1 pill. Last night i took 2, it sure beats the 3. I can already feel the difference in my heart. My heart doesnt hurt. Its not beating too slow. Its not functioning below normal. Its beating fine. I was outside doing yard work and my heart felt fine. I need all the support i can get, i can tell i might not feel like myself for the next week, but at least i have this blogger to keep writing. It will keep my head up and i know i will feel like shit but like daniel said, i can just smoke weed whenever i feel like shit! Ha! So im going to be non medicated for the first time since like 2002? I am so fucking excited. i want to feel pure. i dont want to feel like shit because of some medication ive been on. i dont want to be tired because of something thats suppose to keep me happy, thats not even doing that in the first place? What the fuck is the point. What am i waiting for? One day its just going to work? No. Its been 3 months since ive been on this medication, yea the anxiety is gone, like ive said, but the medication has nothing in it for anxiety, strictly an antidepressant (or for bedwetting in children, again, wtf?????) So if my anxiety is subsided on this med, im just a little more sad than usual, what could happen if i get off? Be sad? Fuck that. I will know what i feel is pure and "me" i will know that i can solely control it and that if i do something to change it, it will change, and theres not gonna be something inside me that is holding me back or only letting me get to a certain level. i want real happiness for the first time in 7 years. I want to feel something real. I want to love. I want to live. I want to hope. I want to sleep and sleep. I want to dream and wake up and not feel sluggish. I want to run and not be out of breath. I want to smile and know its true. I want to feel warm in my heart. I want to feel my legs move when i walk, and not be scared to trip, i want to control every aspect of my own life for once. I want it to be mine.

Today i read this:
I could never know how to love if i didnt know heartache first
id never know the value of life without the pain of my death
i couldnt appreciate peace if it werent for suffering
i would never be healed if i wasnt broken to begin with.....

how inspirational is that? I feel so great. I feel so pure and the air in my lungs is clear. Okay maybe the air is a little hazy from the blunt i just put out but still, it feels fresh. It doesnt burn or ache to breathe, the heart doesnt hurt to beat. the hands to sting to type. the eyes dont melt to see. the smile comes easy and the words are flowing freely right from my mind onto this page? website? blog?

everything feels okay. i can feel myself a little more. how weird the human body is again. Ha! i yearn to drive. really fast. i want to hit 100mph and have the music so loud surrounding me. I want to feel invincible like nothing can touch me. Nothing can touch me now. Im only sad because i want to be sad. I dont have to be, but its so easy. To just break.... you feel the crumble? you ever feel that "letting go" of breaking down? Its such a relief. and its like the tears fall exactly where you wish they wouldnt, all over your lap. And they flow and flow without you having to blink. Where is all this water coming from? How can a little person like me make all these tears? Isnt that funny? Where is it stored at? Do you gain/lose weight the more you cry? Like water weight? Is that absurd? Haha i think its funny. Tears, salt water, we make salt water. Its been a while since ive tasted my tears. They just havent made it to my lips as of lately. They seem to fall right off my face. I also find myself, after a good cry, just smiling. Just sitting back and saying "so what?" What is crying going to fix? Everything wrong will still be gone, maybe ill get some sympathy and it helps but in the end it doesnt fix the problems. I almost laugh at myself for how silly i can be. All the time ive wasted crying when i most likely could have been laughing or smiling or loving. I always picked crying. I like to pick things out i know will make me cry and blow them up and amplify it and let it tear me apart. I can take anything anyone says and turn it into something that hurts my feelings. I feel when i care a little less. If i make myself, force myself to just not give a shit, it hurts less. I smile because i cannot believe i dont care. I know im suppose to, and i dont! But, its not real. It hurts in the end. In the end when im alone, or when i break down, i bring it all up. "i said i was okay, but i wasnt"

"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing..."
"Tell me about nothing."

How perfect. What a perfect response. Nothing means something. Something but we dont know how to start. Its like saying out of nowhere "Im going to say what color the sky is, but you reply with a number" I feel like im about to announce something that you will be like "Where the hell did that come from" It seems like such a mystery. Something so wrong. Things that bother me, i fear they bother everything else. I know it shows on my face. You always know. Nothing means everything. Like the little nothings mean everything to me. Its exactly the same way. I think i figured it out. Maybe not entirely but im working hard to figure myself out. Learn about me. What makes ME tick. What I want. What I need for myself. Some sort of independence. some stability couldnt hurt. a little love. some help. encouragement. most of all, a good time. I just want to always be happy and keep a smile on my face, maybe it will become some sort of habit? I cant wait to get off my medicine for real. I am so excited for the future.

I think i am about to run out and get some food from somewhere, royal farms or 711 not really sure yet. Tomorrow ill be home all day so i gotta get some snacks to eat. At like 430 i gotta get my car towed to vw and my friend rob is going to fix it for me. 200$. Ughhh. Ill never get ahead, but i cant let it get me down. No no no. Gotta keep on moving.

Happy Monday everyone.

i am so lucky.
my words do not go unread. i have the ability to put a smile on someones face. i can control someone elses emotions. i have my friends. i have everyone. i have people to be there for me, people who want to spend time with me. why cant i be socially perfect and know exactly what to say all the time and be able to hang out with people and not ever have things feel awkward? I wish i knew what to say all the time to make things right. to make things fun. i want to be fun i want to be that person that i wish i could be. i want to be someone completely different. sometimes the things i feel, i get angry about. i get mad at myself for feeling jealous, sad, depressed, crazy. I get mad. Its almost like my body and my mind are two different things then my mind is split up. So its like there are 4 quarters that somehow have to match. what the fuck am i talking about. the head has good and bad and then the physical has good and bad. but the good on the mind and physical almost never meet up. ill feel good in my head then unwell in my body. i just want to feel great all the time. i want to walk to starbucks tonight. i dont want to sit here. i want to get out. i am so sick of sitting around all the time.
but what the hell do i want to do? im sitting here just writing these words of things i wish i could do, things i wish i could feel, and the reason i dont feel them is because i am in this house and not outside doing the things that would make me feel the way i want to. why arent i going out? oh yea, i dont have a car




i wish my life was different all the time.

last night i decided i was sick of the way my meds make me feel. like seriously SICK OF IT. so instead of taking 3 pills i took 2. and in 2 days ill take just one. one should be fine. i really just cant do it anymore. i have no anxiety which is a good thing but i have no energy to go out. no energy to want to do anything. im tired all the time. and its not fair.
today will be an alright day. i dont have a car. me and tim are suppose to be going up to american apparel so i can apply for a job!! (fingers crossed!!! its a back stock job which is REALLY what i want to do, no retail bullshit selling things ha) Okay so its not really what i "want" to do in life but i need a second job and im not looking for a career. i am 21 years old. i can worry about a career in a couple years. Im not going to stress myself! I can have 2 easy part time jobs and ill enjoy myself and still have money and ill be happy.


Hey im not writing about it because i dont want to bum myself out.



Im getting my car fixed hopefully today!!!!

growing up i was always underweight. i hated it. people always thought i was anorexic. i actually had to go see a doctor because i wasnt gaining weight properly. Finally at age 21 i am gaining weight. It could be the fact i quit smoking cigarettes(smoking during my growing periods?), new medication, or the fact i smoke a ton of pot now. HA. lots more snacking and constant eating. But i feel healthy. I feel great. I love that i almost cant fit in my jeans. I always wanted to be curvier. Being skinny isnt fun and you definitely dont look good. I mean i dont know, i just dont like it. I like not having to buy the smallest size jeans possible. I was like a steadily 100-102 since age 15. I am now comfortably like 113. Comfortable and i wouldnt mind more weight!!
Last night i spent like 2 hours on myspace just checking out new bands by looking at top friends of other bands. It was like an endless cycle, i ended up in a state of "togetherness" a group of bands with the same fans, playing the same shows, being friends. I was finding music from Italy that was playing my favorite sounding songs. I went on a tour of music across the world almost last night. Pop punk from europe, south america, australia. I feel so happy. On my myspace page i put almost every single band i found last night on my top friends. They are all the best band in the world. They all have a song that makes me so happy. The best part is that most of them are coming to baltimore soon! So im excited to go see some great bands play. Music is becoming a staple that determines my mood, well music and the weather. Oh and caffiene makes me feel like shit. Is there caffiene in birch beer? Cause i drank it and now i feel like complete crap. sigh.

Wow so i just accidently pressed back space and it took me pages back and i was so scared, but thank god this thing has an auto save!!! That makes me so happpppy. I wont have to worry about losing shit i spent forever writing.

So speaking of new music, i found this band Anarbor. They have this song called Beat of The Drum, and i kind of relate to the words more than i thought...

"To hell with what they say, I don’t write these words for you
I write these words for me, and when it comes down to it
I’ve got nothing to lose but everything to gain
When my chance comes ill be the first to leave"

I really want ice cream right now. Maybe when jon gets back from dizzy issies we will go. hm.. im sick of being alone already.

ive got a lot to say.

hi. hi. im back, i deleted my last blog after just some bad feelings. im over it. my blog is not intentionally meant to hurt anyone. i get into my "writing" stage and i just start writing without even thinking, i never mention names, causing people to misread things or think i am writing about them when i am not. Well, i guess i really cant worry about that, i write what i want to write, what bothers me, whats on my mind, everything, im not going to censor myself for the safety of others. I am not trying to hurt anyones feelings ever.
Anyways.
Daniel is out of town now
He left Thursday night, a little bit earlier than the planned Friday morning. So we hung out, (tried to) eat dinner, and just hung out. I was kinda bummed he left earlier but what can i do! ha Thats my luck! Speaking of luck, well... Thursday was my day from hell. HELL. Again, people think im joking or being overdramatic when i say i have bad luck, but im serious! I have it the worst! Its kinda karma is not in my favor anymore. All that good shit ive done? Doesnt mean shit right now. So anyways, i woke up helping daniel get carpet for the tour van they taking, so that meant before going to work i was going to have to run to hunt valley and get carpet from my moms work. Well on the way back to Catonsville my cars hot water temp gauge light started flashing. I couldnt understand why? Then my check engine light came on. I was starting to freak out. I pulled over, turned the car off, sat for a couple seconds then started the car back up and got on my way. Well the lights both came back on... whatever, right? After passing rt70 on 695, there was alot of smoke coming out of my hood. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! So i pull over turn the car off immediately get out of the car, open my hood and let shit air out. All the while i call daniel just crying. Like bad shit never stops happening to me and i couldnt understand why, and just the night before i felt like i was falling apart because of it, so to have something bad happen to me, i just wasnt in the mood to deal with it. Standing on the side of 695, crying your eyes out next to your car that cant seem to stop smoking is not what i call a good day. Tim came and got me and we drove to work together and i just didnt care for the rest of the day. Just didnt want to deal with it. My insurance covers towing (THANKGOD) so i paid the 80 bucks up front, had the shit towed to Jeffs house and my friend Rob is gonna check my car out on monday. So what happened to the car was basically a tube running from the antifreeze to the engine broke off or got a hole in it. nothing TOO serious! but jesus, i was suppose to be driving to florida. what if that happened to me like in the middle of nowhere? I wouldnt even know what to do. I kept thinking if that happened just picturing myself on the side of 95 (even worse than 695) in the middle of nowhere, crying my eyes out, and just having weirdos pull over trying to attack me. But yea, it happened in baltimore where i was able to be saved. I guess thats my good luck of the whole thing? Ha
so i have the place to myself since daniel is on tour. i cleaned it up so its nice, the windows are open blowing ALMOST spring like smells into the rooms, candles lit, lights out, movie on the television. I would say right at this moment, i feel okay. Im not stressed. I dont care about the things that make my heart ache. I can smile and really feel a sense of happiness. The streetlights outside glow up this dark apartment, i dont need any lights on at all. There are lights everywhere. Free light. Ha.
A couple years ago i read this book, Siddhartha, a friend of mine was speaking quotes from it and i was suddently intrigued to read it again. So i think before work tomorrow, ill grab it out and that should keep me busy. Its such a good book. I remember wishing i had the ability to see peoples auras like the book talked so much about. the colors surrounding people. the reality of reality? seeing things for the product value they hold. how "mechanical" this whole world is. everything is a product of something else. Like..... just seeing things and being amazed at how they even exist. How much america has grown. I guess not america, but technology? advancement? Just being able to live is a miracle. How we stand on our two feet. How we can have feelings. I should be embracing these feelings for i may never feel them again. Maybe tomorrow ill find complete happiness and never cry again. What if, huh? Life is so unreal. Alive. Human body. Human heart? Thats another thing. Me and tim were talking about, the human heart. Its always beating. Its constantly working for you. It could say "fuck it" and quit on you earlier than its suppose to. But it doesnt. It accepts our bad choices, food and habits and still keeps on beating. When we sleep and laugh and cry and swear our hearts stopped beating, its still there. Existence is wild. I hope im doing all i can. I hope that even though i might not being doing what others define as fun, im still doing exactly waht i want to do. Thats all that matters, right? I could sit here in complete silence and its still exactly what i want to be doing. No more no less. Well maybe less, by being in bed, but ha. I feel content. Im just happy to feel. Feel anything but sadness and sorrow and misery. I just dont want to do it anymore. I sent an application to TGI Fridays of towson, i used to waitress, or should i say, i did it once. Ha. So why not? Sick of sitting around not having money. I have bills and debt that need to get paid. Its time to grow the fuck up. I dont know about going to florida anymore, i just cant afford it, as much as i feel like i need to go out of town for a coiuple days. I guess ill figure it out eventually.
ill figure everything out eventually.

well now im watching some movie on tv with jamie kennedy? i just came out of a coma, lets see what its called...Kickin It Old School? Never heard of it Ha. So im gonna light up the rest of this blunt. im sure i will be writing more again tomorrow.

todays positive thought/quote
" life is only as good as the memories we make"

I think that will be my next tattoo.... some sort of leg piece? About living.




cant wait.

im back

i dont even know where to begin...